run away

2009-02-19T06:54:00.000-08:00

Alrights, I just felt like blogging here even though no one reads this anymore, I think.

I'm scared, I'm scared that they made a mistake, then everything will turn out differently eventually. I don't know why I'm so worried, it's just this really uneasy feeling. Argh.

Okay I don't feel like blogging anymore.

Where are you?

2008-08-11T07:24:00.000-07:00

Blahh. Lian Han:

2008-07-25T18:10:00.000-07:00

The A*Star buildings, the rather long walk from the bus stop to Nanos, the crazy crossing of the road, the matrix food court, even the egg tarts sold in the food court, all triggered memories of last year. Rather interestingly, I never exactly encountered the "I miss IBN" feeling the way Theo did after we finally ended our 5 week (actually 6 for him) attachment with IBN.

I was suddenly reminded of the whole long, arduous period spent in IBN, from 8 am to 6 pm each day, with lunches being the most enjoyable thing we do each day. I kind of miss those times, and thinking about probably having to do another attachment this year makes me wonder how things will be different, without Theo talking non-stop and bugging me to go for lunch. But of course, if I do get my first choice of research institute, I do think it'd be quite a good experience, or so I hope.

Apart from the sudden thoughts about my IBN attachment last year, I pretty much re-met the group of friends I made during the HK/China trip. Well, not everyone, but many were there. Joshua, Victor, Wei Sheng, Xiao Xiao, Benjamin, Meng Yuan, Michelle, Jing Wen were all there. It was quite nice talking to them once again, pretty much being reminded of the time we spent there. Well, the desperate attempts to find Joshua/Paul for comic relief, the mad bridging on the train and in the hotels and on the bus, the full house addiction were all remembered. It's nice to know too, that all these people are excelling in their own ways, either being among the smart bunch of people from their schools (like HC and RJ) or being the sole proud recipient of the award from the school. It's nice to know too, that after 3 weeks, our friendship and the bonds that were continually made stronger over a short span of 10 days have not yet been forgotten.

It's just nostalgia once again.

2008-07-24T01:35:00.000-07:00

Double post, I just felt like it.

Best of the best.

It was one of Nat's msn nick, something rather impactful? I don't know, it just suddenly popped up in my mind.

Guess I'm just on a really really down side right now, losing confidence maybe? It's just like Calculus all over again.

Here we go again.

2008-07-24T00:50:00.000-07:00

Mel was telling me about the junior trackers' performance at nationals this year. It's really amazing, the way they improved so much. They didn't win, but I think they shocked many, and it just goes to show how much NUS High can really do. The school has lots of potential, it's curriculum is crazy, but I'm rather thankful for what I got to learn here. I don't know if eventually surviving this school is going to be what I'm proud to have done, because I do not think it is that difficult anymore.

Many people talk about bringing about changes in the school, massive attitude changes and all. We do have big dreams for the school at times, I do imagine how the school will be like in years to come, a brilliant Math and Science school with state of the art laboratory facilities, numerous paper-publishing research groups, international olympiad medallists and so on. But eventually, I guess I just wish for everyone to believe in the potential of the school.

2008-07-22T08:33:00.000-07:00

Shall help publicise a bit, though I don't think many people read my blog (yay)
-------------
People (year 5s esp), DONATE BLOOD!
2nd week of September, i.e. Sept 8 to 12 (first week of term 4). Forms are at the PE noticeboard area, the place where the NAPFA criteria is (there's a big box that says completed forms here or something like this, the forms are next to the box). Go get and go donate blood. (:
-------------

Yerpps. Today triggered a series of emotions (not exactly pleasant, but not totally unpleasant).

It seems too late to take any action and no one knows can be done, but I'm not yet ready to just heck and let things be like this. Something needs to be changed, now.

I spent almost the whole day either in class, studying for bio quiz and bio-o quiz, or doing the Faraday mascot. I'd get to bio-o later. (I have no idea why I'm blogging about my day again, just felt like it)

FARADAY (: For all the efforts the juniors have put in, I certainly do hope that we don't get disappointed next Friday. Let's do it Faraday. (:

That was interestingly short and I ran out of stuff to write, first time I can run of things to write about for Faraday related issues. Hahahah. Bio-o was totally bleargh today. Well, first, I SO CANNOT DO ANIMAL PHYSIO, or rather, I'd need to put in like dont-know-how-many-mad-hours-or-days to study it. Mr Tham's nice though, and he was shocked when we told him that this module was an elective (bleargh) and not an enrichment so it's included in our semestral CAP and also included in our transcript (you can not include it in your CAP calculation but it'd still be reflected). It just didn't make any sense that the supposed better students in biology (supposed because some of the really good biology people dropped biology!) are going to get a lousier CAP with Bio-o being a total killer.

Honestly, I don't know why I'm so concerned over my CAP. Well, I can't say I don't give a shit about CAP, even though often enough, I want to. It's life, face it, our results are like the first line of entry into university. Or maybe I'm just concerned with understanding what I learn in school and not sweeping things under the carpet. That's partially what coming to school is all about, no?

I realised, that teachers are like one of the most common topic among students. No surprise that often, teachers gossip about students too. No surprised as well that we can barely understand our teachers but neither can they understand us.

2008-07-20T14:00:00.000-07:00

My brother has this in his last post on his blog:
Time's relative, not to any space continuum, but to what you've spent it on.
And of course, his ever so favourite line: time flies when you're having fun.
Need I say more? I do not like the way time flies so fast, though I know, the faster time seems to fly by, the more I have spent my time well. Still, I yearn for more time to have fun.

I haven't been very efficient considering the amount of work I need to clear and of course studying for the ever so lovely biology olympiad quiz. It's madness, if I had chosen to take physics honours, I would totally have traded this for physics olympiad. Poof, I'm so thankful that ChemO just started and hasn't gotten to a mad state yet, heard it's a lot of organic, in a different way from what we learn (mechanisms and more mechanisms). Hopefully I wouldn't die tomorrow, and whee there'd be Renee to survive with me. (:

Yeah, so as I was saying, I haven't been very efficient and I pretty much hate that. And of course, I do know that the more I multi-task, the slower I get with things. But when everything comes together at the same time, hahah I'd just train my multi-tasking skill if there's even such a thing. So basically, I was discussing some stuff with Zhong Ming, helping Bihyee with biology (reproduction and the oh-so-annoying hormones) and doing my super duper backdated English journals.

And I'm so full from lunch, I'm starting to get a little sleepy. Annoying. I should have just starved then I wouldn't have ended up cooking too much. Yes, I am stuck at home on a wonderful Sunday morning and afternoon while my parents are out and my brother's learning how to drive. Nevermind, I'd be the first to benefit when he successfully passes his driving test.

Ahhs, Bio-O bio-O ):

NDP Theme Song 2008 (Chinese)

2008-07-19T22:59:00.003-07:00

NDP 2008 Theme Song, Chinese version.

NDP 2008 Theme Song - Shine for Singapore

2008-07-19T22:59:00.001-07:00

NDP 2008 Theme Song, English version.

2008-07-18T17:00:00.000-07:00

When we choose, do we actually choose? Between a well-trodden and a less travelled path, we made a choice. Yet, was it really us who made that decision? I always believed in the existence of fate and destiny.

Is our future really in our hands? Or is it merely in the hands of fate. The way we make our every action seems to fit so nicely into the equation of life:

We start out young and clueless, we work hard, we grow up, we work even harder, we learn and grow even bigger and it just continues until one day our body decides that it doesn't want to work any more. Then we die.

It's life isn't it? All these seem to have been pre-destined. Of course, you can always add some fun to your life by engaging in certain fun things, and you say you choose to do that. Our minds control our decisions, yet what is it, that controls our minds?

At times when I really cannot explain my own actions, I choose to believe that determinism has its way. I choose to believe that we can't really determine our own future, all we can do is to follow our own unique equation of life, something set right from the start of our existence. Yet, that will mean that we cannot exactly have our way around things, because we don't exactly get to control.

Perhaps our lives are merely numbers dumbed into a certain equation that determines what comes next and that our ability to control our future is merely actions for you to take, to follow the flow that you have been chosen to follow.

2008-07-17T23:53:00.000-07:00

When we chose our paths, how much did we think about it? The path we chose to walk on, have we ever regretted choosing? Roads converge, roads diverge, eventually will we really end up at the same place even if we take different routes?

2008-07-13T13:20:00.000-07:00

Slept at 3.30 and woke up at 10.30, not bad, I caught 7 hours of sleep. I was intending to wake up at 8.30, but evidently I didn't manage to, so when I woke up and saw that 10 on my clock, I jumped out of bed, thinking, since I managed to get 2 more hours of sleep, then it's high time I start chionging my work (considering I spent my whole afternoon yesterday at Hwa Chong, though that was quite a worthwhile time). But no, my head decided to be so annoying, I was down with a pounding headache, the worst I have ever gotten. (:

I figured, after suppressing the weariness from both trips for a week, my body's finally telling me it's tired. Oh wells.

Anyway, Mr Ng's leaving soon for a good 2 years. Initially I thought his email was kind of funny, but thereafter I thought about the 2.5 years we've had with him, I'm missing his presence though he's probably just a few blocks down from school.

Teachers keep coming and going, especially in this school, be it teachers we know, or teachers we don't. But often enough, when teachers we know leave, we find ourselves in a massive talk of what can we do for these teachers before they leave? Some of us even feeling the guilt of not being a good student during the teachers' terms. Do we really want to regret our actions only after we realise that someone's going to be gone for good?

NUS High is rather different from all the other JCs, everyone knows that. Because JCs are on two-year programmes, teachers tend to ensure that they see their batch graduate first, before then deciding to leave. Here, it's hard for teachers to stay for 6 years and watch us graduate. At graduation ceremonies, students from JCs can give a standing ovation to teachers who have accompanied them through 2 years of their life, here can we do that? No.

Before we think about what we can do for teachers who have already left, why not first think about what we can do to make the last few months a significantly good term for those teachers who are going to leave. The best thing, I presume, a teacher would want to see, is that his/her students mature and blossom into distinctive individuals with the guts to pursue his/her dreams no matter what obstacles come in the way.

Thereafter we can always go back to ponder, what can we do for a teacher who has left and is leaving again?

Gosh, Ms Koh's "ChemO training starts tomorrow!" email is making me a little worried. I don't think I'm going to survive ChemO. Where's Renee. ><

2008-07-12T19:30:00.000-07:00

Mr Lim sent an email yesterday and he said something like it's about time that students take the lead in activities (it was regarding the movie screening where all I did was to lock up the place because Mao and YH had to go for Chemistry). It's true I guess, eventually, we do need to take ownership. It made me think about why council hasn't been that great. I'm a bad councillor. Neither am I a good leader. I definitely ain't a role model.

I shall side-track a bit.

I was at Hwa Chong just now attending an award ceremony. It was amazing, how they all felt SO much for their school, the batch of 2007. I shocked myself when they sang the school song, I no longer longed to be in Hwa Chong (though I did wonder for a moment, how things will feel like in Hwa Chong), instead, the NUS High School school song played through my mind. I realised, I felt for the lousy looking polo tee, the chidish green skorts, the funny blouse that always feels so thin, the tie where the thread keeps coming out, the school song that's so different from other schools' because the words are so simple and not in depth enough. I watched their principal deliver the school's annual report, and I felt proud to be an NUS High School student. Why? Because when he mentioned about all the olympiad results, I thought to myself, we owned physics olympiad and we aren't that far from Hwa Chong even though we're so much smaller, so much newer. Well, that of course, was only for the Math and Science stuff.

I figured, the things that I used to hate have become the things that I feel so much for.

I realised that to do something well, to leave an impact, requires you to first feel for it. To plan events well for the school requires you to first feel for the school. To be a good councillor requires you, not just to be able to speak, lead and all that, but above all, to be able to put the school before yourself. It's difficult to say you can do it, I can't right now, but I'd try to. Afterall, no matter how screwed the system here is, NUS High is still where I'm going to have spent 4 crucial years of my life, where I dared to dream and aim for things I never once dared to think of. Definitely, it is where I got and get to do what I like.

NUS High has an identity that we can be proud of, it's just that we need to take some time to find what truely means to us, to find that identity we have as one school.

2008-07-12T09:09:00.000-07:00

I was meant to stay up to finish remembering organic but I dozed off at 10 plus. Or rather, I decided to give myself a half an hour break which turned into an almost 10 hours nap such that Mikel didn't have to chase me off at 12. Haha, feels good to be able to (in a very long time) sleep for 8 hours and beyond. I haven't done that in ages. (Ever since GYLC started.)

But now, it's time again, to freaking pia all the work and the attempts to study and not die for the quizzes, especially for biology olympiad. Rawrs.

Speaking of organic, we got back our scripts on Thursday. Whoa, Dr Yong was seriously lenient with the marking which makes me feel quite bad, I think I performed way below expectations. Hmm, carelessness. It felt a little like Math, but not totally, well, I wasn't aiming for full marks here for organic and that made a huge difference. Vanessa lost her marks in the MCQ section, quite wasted and she probably felt more for this paper than I did since it's not Math. Well at the very least, I didn't walk out of the theatrette feeling emo. (:

I got back relativity on Wednesday, did I mention it? Nevermind, I contracted all my time instead of dilating them! I lost like almost all my marks on that (because I did it twice). I can't believe myself sometimes, but nevermind, I guess that happens, otherwise I wouldn't have had 100-2=88 in my Statistics quiz.

My brother, while on his way home yesterday, received a call from my mum to drop off at my school so that my parents could pick both of us up. Hahaha. So he came over to the canteen where I was attempting to do some notes for organic. And what did our dear Mao thought when she saw him? She thought that my brother was a Hongkong exchange student. Hahahah. My brother looks Hongkong! But anyway, I was quite glad to have seen him, it has been long since I talked to him, with the two trips and his university orientation. He's quite funny, he says that he can come over every Friday so that my parents can pick both of us up together. Seriously, I wouldn't mind. (:

Interestingly, the white coat ceremony this year is going to be held in my school on 11th August, think's that a holiday. Maybe I'd check into hostel on that day.

I figured that I'm blogging very randomly again. My thoughts flow weirdly. Heh.

It wasn't a dream, yet it felt like one, because after it all felt so good, everything disappeared quickly.

2008-07-10T05:49:00.000-07:00

Hostel internet is so crappy now, I missed those times when I was staying during reading days. The internet then was so wonderful. Nevermind.

With more and more quizzes popping up next week and with more and more homework popping up as well, I find myself getting afraid of school. I'm getting scared of each day in school, receiving more work than I can cope. I had yet to clear those backdated ones.

"Welcome back" isn't exactly welcoming at all. Yeah, perhaps I'm very very welcomed by all the work I have to clear. It doesn't help that I decided to be SO stupid to take electives, 4 in total, 2 olympiad trainings. Oh well, when nothing seems to work my way, guess I'd just count on blind faith to pull me through. Somehow, I hope, things will just work out on their own. (:

Anyway, while watching Apollo 13 just now, I was just thinking, when do we actually know whether or not we have learnt something. I came back from the aeronautics study mission in HK/China thinking that I didn't learn much because the things weren't very in depth and stuff. Yet, while watching the movie, I figured, I do have a better understand of what they are talking about, all the different columns etc and better, I could, for some, put the chinese names to those part of the space ship they were talking about. Interestingly, I figured, I did learn something from the trip.

There were many other aspects of the movie that were worth talking about, but my thoughts kind of got disrupted when Mr Lim came to get his keys and Mao came to return my shoes. Haha.

Since I don't think I can find back those thoughts just yet, I'd go get some linear algebra done, there's a lot to do.

Blind faith, the only thing I have left to believe in.

2008-07-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

Today's no better. It's just a hell week, though I'm probably the best of the worst lot already. Trust me, missing school in NUS High is no fun at all. Or rather, missing a period of school (1 week, 2 weeks and so on) is no fun. Missing a day or two is fine, it's easy to catch up with work from just that few important modules you have missed. But missing like one whole week means having to catch up with 23 (that's for me) hours of lessons, missing two just means 46 hours.

I don't feel like I'm going full speed yet, it's just tiring to have to work continually, just to finish back dated homework. And it isn't just doing the homework, it's having to read the notes, understand the concepts then attempt the assignments and tutorials. For a moment I wished I was already in Year 6, the short two days worth of school with 3 days worth of internship. I think interships are good. It's what prepares you for your life, or rather, the next phase of your life.

Of course, with the idea of gearing students towards achieving their dreams and getting into faculty of their choice, students seem to be doing a lot for the sacred "portfolio". I wonder how internships are these days, rigid, no fun and defeating their purposes? Or are they still the same experience providing thing?

I need to go collect my relativity paper and hopefully don't end up emo-ing. (Yes yes, I am scared.)

2008-07-09T09:57:00.000-07:00

And you disappeared, where are you now?

2008-07-08T19:36:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I'm just faking a smile the whole time in school, fake laughter, fake joy. It feels good to be back in school, back with the friends who I have been with for the past 2.5 years, back sitting on the shaky green canteen benches, back attempting to study in the library. It feels quite nice to be back in hostel, surprisingly. Hostel has been an interesting experience, everything's an experience. It's quite interesting to have gone through 10 plane rides plus one train ride in the span of 24 days and then telling that to people and watching them go "whhhhhaaaaat?!"

Yet, at the same time, school is worrying me. With all the school homework undone, all the concepts that I have yet to attempt to catch up with, my head hurts just thinking about how I'm going to catch up. Well, at least, I'm much better off as compared to the MIT attachment people.

After Shi Yi told me about the Biology Olympiad quiz today, I attempted to read up yesterday night. Yet all I did was to go through, quickly, the summary. I was prepared to fail. Yet, I wasn't. So I had a break between Statistics and Biology Olympiad. My attempt to study in the library was rather disastrous. Well, I did go through some of my facts but in a span of 2 hours, it's impossible to finish reading, thoroughly, 5 chapters from the Biology textbook, let alone studying and remembering my facts.

The teachers have been nice, really nice. But it's not helping that much. Missing school in Nanyang was never a problem and I was always so excited to miss school for Wushu interschool, but missing school over here seems to be a last resort. I don't understand why some friends can go "lucky you, you got to miss school!"

I think I'm an idealistic person, honestly, I really wished everything could be so perfect, like I could go for both my trips, without missing a day, and without missing school. I wished I could get my full marks all the way for Math. I wished life never had problems. I wished.

I feel really mood swingy right now. One moment, I laugh around with friends, revert back to my normal self. Another moment, I get really really stressed out over school. I almost broke down yesterday once I entered hostel. YH keeps saying that I should just relax about work, can I? I don't know. I asked myself what do I have to lose, to not get an A+ for Math, to not get a 4.00 for my CAP, to fail a test or two, do all these matter so much to me? As much as I would like to say that I don't care about all these, these things do bug me, a lot.

Biology Olympiad quiz was quite a disaster, I looked at the questions and I knew that they were all just facts from the textbook, yet I didn't know the correct answers to them. I screwed up the quiz, and that sucks. Well, I was supposed to have been prepared to fail, yet I wasn't. I hardly am prepared to fail.

Confused and unsure. Rawrs.

Anyway, I got this really long quote from New York, here it goes:

for a long time it seemed to me that life was about to begin- real life. but there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. at last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. this perspective has helped me to see there is no way to happiness. happiness is the way. so treasure every moment you have and remember that time waits for no one.

happiness is a journey, not a destination.
-souza

Linkin Park - Leave Out All The Rest

2008-07-08T08:20:00.001-07:00

2008-07-07T19:45:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the "somehow things will work out eventually" just doesn't seem to be true. Honestly, I have no idea how I'm going to catch up with work and whatever's learnt, afterall I ain't like John who barely listens but usually just self-learns from the textbook before tests. No no, I am so guai I listen in class, learn in class and then just do my homework. (: That will usually leave me with a certain level of confidence before a test so I wouldn't suicide.

But right now, I stare at all the notes I have with me, look at all the assignments that were already handed in and wonder how things would have been much easier if I didn't miss school. Hmm, and to make matters worse, Statistics isn't at all a nice easy math module. I wish there was still Calculus, I'm pretty sure it's easier to do Calculus than to do Statistics. Oh yes and did I mention, I decided to be so crazy by adding Linear Algebra to my module list. (: I am interested in taking it, but I should have known that I might have died. Hmm, oh wells. The worst that could happen will be that I won't get an A+, that can't be that bad, can it?

It's quite scary when teachers say they have confidence that I'd do my own catching up. (My mum decided to email the teachers, hmm haha.) It's nice that they think that way, but it's scary sometimes. I really don't want to trouble teachers for make-up lessons, guess I'd have to attempt to read up and see if I can handle it on my own. Oh wells, this calls for a need to work.

But I guess, I wouldn't trade the ten plane rides and the train ride and the friends I made from both trips off just to be in school. I hadn't blogged much about both trips and I kind of don't plan to, there was so much I wanted to write, yet it was so difficult to put all into words. I guess I'd just say, I treasure the time I spent at GYLC and in Hongkong/China (till now, I haven't managed to remember the name of the trip).

I moved back into hostel in the morning today, just so that I could coincide it with council meeting and go for it. I feel so bad for MIA-ing for so long, gah. I missed exco meeting though, it was so early. Well, as I was telling Mikel, I would have gone if I wasn't feverish yesterday and if I didn't have to move back to hostel. (: I think I owe John a Milo though. Just when I thought I might be able to survive two back to back trips without falling sick, my body decides to defy me. Hmmph. But after drinking like lots and lots of water and some funny herbal tea, I ain't exactly that sick (like bed-ridden). Whee. (:

Council meeting felt so back-to-school-ish, I don't know why. I helped with the banner painting with my non-existent painting skills. Hoho. Met Mr Lim on my way back to hostel, I'm kind of worried for relativity, hope I didn't disappoint him so badly. Mr Lim's one of the greatest teachers I have ever had. Mr Ng and Ms Teo as well. Ah wells.

I skipped lunch and went up to pack. Felt slightly better after packing and printing out my notes that I finally, at 3 plus, decided to go down to the canteen to buy biscuits for my lunch. (: The faraday exco people were doing the mascot. I am so frigging proud of them. (: Whee Faraday, whee. But I felt so bad cos I did so much for the mascot when I was away. I love the Faraday exco totally lahs. (:

I should get down to reading Statistics (I'm hecking a little for Biology Olympiad quiz tomorrow, sorry Dr Tang). Math above Biology. Heh. (:

2008-07-06T21:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, honestly I'm quite reluctant to look at all the school stuff I need to settle, things like looking at my very very interesting timetable and attempting to find time to do make up lessons with teachers and to find time to catch up with work and homework and to reply emails including one that questions my attendance for TENNIS. (Hmmm?)

Now that I'm back, I'm kind of missing all the friends from gylc. Hahah, the barker boys and nanyang girls, the ACJC and the VJ people. The end of the hk/china trip hasn't yet struck me, but yeah soon I'd be missing the RJ people plus Joshua and Chan Yi. Hahah, especially their superb retardedness and spasticness, oh and Joshua's comic relief. Rawrs. Ah wells, I'm kind of lazy to blog right now too. But one thing's for sure, I think I'm sick of plane rides now. 10 plane rides in 24 days. haha.

I loe being back in Singapore but I seriously dread school.

2008-06-28T05:56:00.000-07:00

My head is spinning, I'm not tired though, my body just feels as though I'm still cruising in the air. I think, by the time I get back to Singapore, I'd be dreading aeroplanes. In about 5 hours time, I'd be off to Hong Kong. Then on Monday, we'd fly to Beijing, then take the train to Xi An a few days later, then fly to Guangzhou on the last day. (The programme's weird haha)

I pretty freaked for school right now. Plus I screwed up my SATs and I'm quite bleargh for it. My score's not going to get my anywhere, I feel damn freaking screwed. Argh. I think I probably messed up my organic and relativity exams as well. Damn results, I got lots of catching up to do. Arggggggh.

Losing mood to blog.

But anyway, GYLC was quite fun. I can't say it's super duper intellectually stimulating, but considering my total lack of knowledge of global issues, I think I probably did gain something. Got to know a lot of people from all around the world, I think that was what made things fun. Will miss those people from other countries. Actually, will miss those Singaporeans as well since they're all in different schools, especially the NY and AC people I guess. Ah whatever, my head's spinning like crazy. And I have lost the mood to blog.

I am worried, worried about results, worried about homework, worried about modules and olympiads and SRP. Maybe I should like drop both olympiads because everyone else is probably better than me. I don't know, just feeling really really messed up right now.

I think I'd just move back to hostel once I get back from China, then I seriously should get down to homework and catching up.

Save me.

2008-06-20T16:30:00.000-07:00

Internet here sucks. Grrr. Espace is taking ages to load. Need to check my modules. I'm just going to kill myself and take linear algebra plus medicinal chemistry. Whoops. Hahah.
These few days have been quite alright. I'm going to jetlag like mad when I get back. Whoops.
Ahhhs. Sucky post, espace refuses to LOAD. ): Shall stop.

2008-06-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

Blahh. I finally got to use the computer, but I need to go soon.
Have been freaking tired almost everyday. I kind of not want to miss school (heh I am so guai please) because I don't want to die for my modules, not when there's only 4 mcs of Math. Cries. My CAP's going to DROP ):
Alright, got to run. Blahhhh.

2008-06-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

Shall post before I go though I don't really have much to blog about. Hmm, have been losing interest in blogging these days, this tends to happen during the holidays though, think I'd go blogger crazy again once school reopens, or rather, once I get back to school.

Haven't felt very happy these days, not that I have been unhappy or anything along those lines, kind of feel sian? I don't know, guess I felt quite detached for a moment, not going online and not chatting with people. Rawrs, anti-social. Hahah x)

Time to get myself to sleep for perhaps 6 hours.

Sometimes, I don't know what I am afraid of, or why I'm afraid.

唐禹哲 - 分開以後

2008-06-12T10:52:00.001-07:00

Dason Tang.(: Hmmm, I should have bought his album when my brother asked me to, he's good.

-------
It has been a while since I blogged, there's quite a lot of stuff that I kind of choose to keep to myself though.

2008-06-08T11:00:00.000-07:00

In life, some rules are meant to be broken, while others are meant to be followed, not blindly though. No one can write a set of rules to govern you, since no one leads your life, except you yourself of course. Some rules that are written for you to follow makes no sense at all. Break those rules if the need arises.

-------
Speaking of rules. hahahah! CAITLIN! Year 3, remember?

DOs

1. STUDY!
Revise after every chapter/topic has been taught.
Read through the chapters/topics that are going to be taught beforehand.

2. DO HOMEWORK!
Start doing your homework on the day it’s given/do whatever you have been taught.
Do you homework to your best ability, if unsure, ASK.

3. FILE UP YOUR NOTES/WORKSHEETS ETC.
File up notes once you get them.
File up worksheets/assignments/tutorials once gone through/returned.

DON’Ts

1. COMPUTER!
Don’t use the computer on weekdays except only to check emails.
Only permitted on weekends for 2 hours/day.

2. TELEVISION!
Don’t watch too much television.
Maximum of 1 hour/day, best to watch during dinner times.

3. SMS!
Don’t sms during class time/when studying.
Don’t sms about stuff that are pointless.

© by Caitlin and Cheryl

Laughs, I haven't been following those! I don't think Caitlin has (Cait, have you?)

2008-06-04T18:26:00.000-07:00

Was it a lie, or was it a misread fact to begin with? Ever felt good about yourself, only to be told by your parents that you suck? I felt that many many times, almost every time I come home with a smile because I thought I had done well and was really really happy about my results when I got it, only to come home to face the music for not having done well. How about your parents telling you that you're not going to reach your goals at all because you're not good enough? Your own parents putting you down time and time again, and each time, it hurts even more. Each time you come to a conclusion that you're lousy, you suck, and that all along, your friends, your teachers have been decieving you, because your own parents, think otherwise and you trust that your parents know best. Yet, a side of you tries to convince yourself that you exceeded your own expectations and that there was nothing you could not be happy with. You wonder, are you expecting too little from yourself, are you thinking too highly of yourself? Your parents can't be wrong with their judgements, can they?

You tell them that you have put in your best, yet they say you haven't. Your results were supposed to reflect how much hardwork you have put into things, yet they tell you, your results reflected how little efforts you have put in. You can't take a break, because each time you do, they tell you that you're going to fail, you're going to be the lousiest in your level. When you tell them that you're going to aim high, to aim for something that seems to impossible, yet deep inside you, you yearn for it and you know you can reach it, they tell you, forget it, you will never ever reach it because you suck. They contradict themselves and you wonder, what should you follow, what should be the right thing to follow. Follow your heart, can you really do so?

16 years, I should have been used to it, but why ain't I?

Your parents warn you against comparing with your own brother, for fear that you'd feel bad, feel inferior, yet little did they realise, they had been comparing you with him ever since you were born, not just them, but also your relatives, and all their friends. They tell you that both of you are different and equal in their eyes, but do things really work that way, when time and time again you hear things like "why can't you be like your brother?"

You wished that you can make your own decisions, when they mattered. You wish that your own expectations are what you should be reaching, and not your parents or people around you. Yet each time, you feel as though you're trying to reach something that isn't what you wanted, you're trying to please people, more than yourself. Your life seems to be controlled, in a way that you don't want it to be. Your parents tell you that it's your choice, it's up to you, yet they left you with no choices at all. You have to go along with their beliefs. You don't get to fight for your beliefs at all, because they believe that what they want you to do, is what is best for you, and that what you want to do, is a merely an impulsive belief that is under strong influence from friends. Yet, it isn't at all.

You appreciate the things your parents have done for you, and you try hard to make them happy. Yet frequently, they scold you for being self-centered, for taking and not giving. You look away, unsure of what to say.

Sometimes, you wish that you could somehow transform yourself into a ideal child for them to be proud of, to be pleased with. Yet you realise, you can't.

You are confused, you don't know what to do next, you don't know if all along what you have been chasing after, your dreams, your goals, are they really yours?

2008-06-03T21:00:00.000-07:00

Made of Honour was not bad, except, it was so totally like the plot in Where rainbows end, and it was kind of weird cos I just finished reading that book. But nevertheless, it was quite an interesting movie. (:

Ruffles and snapple/root beer in place of popcorn and sprite/coke/ice lemon tea. (:

Walked into Sports connection thrice because *ahem* someone was fickle minded and couldn't decide whether or not to get that pretty grey and blue backpack. xD But fine, if I were planning to get it, I'd have been quite fickle minded as well. I want a new backpack. (Blah, something bigger, wanted to kope my bro's one since he's in army, but my mum refused to let me use his, which I'm pretty glad for, cos his bag is so freaking disgusting, and I think it's torn. I still like my current bag, it's like nice, but kind of small sometimes. It was a goooood deal though, 29 bucks!)

And I want new shoes, I like adistar control, but no I don't want new shoes, must be guai. Hahahah.

I need to go buy contacts, arghh, I hate specs. Lasik lasik lasik! My mum's edging me on to go do lasik, wheee, but it's quite scary though, the risk is much higher than contacts. Oh wells, shall think about it, I don't want to turn blind.

Fried Mars bars and Gelare waffles! Adabelle! I want pasta, someday kay! (:

I should start saving up more again, I feel so bad each time I buy something or rather, each time my mum buys something for me. (Hahaha, most of my stuff are mum-sponsored. Rocks eh.) I want to go earn some money though, I want to go workkkk and experience how difficult it is to earn money. (Yes I'm mad, but I think it's important to experience all these.)

2008-06-02T19:00:00.000-07:00

I never knew flu jabs were painful. It's so awful, wonder how fat the needle was (I didn't even look at it, she poked it in before I could see!). This freakingly hurts, should have requested the jab to be on my right arm, cos it hurts when I write or use chopsticks. Blahh, I can't believe this.

2008-06-02T16:50:00.000-07:00

Right, so I need to bus to school because my mum's too lazy to fetch me down. Ahhhs, this sucks, I don't like busing to school. Shouldn't complain though. Hahaha.

Some stuff I wanted to blog about initially, but maybe when I get back home, should get going soon. ): More than double the time needed to bus down, as opposed to going by car.

-------
Bused to school and back! Wahha. I think faraday has a cool house capt, he's so hilarious, but seriously zai. Had a meeting to settle some stuff, in general I like the exco(plus Sab!). (: Whee, things sound great for now.

Shan't blog about what I wanted to blog about initially, my mind's totally filled with stuff from The pact. It's a superb book, and freaking addictive, I am so totally addicted to reading it. Blahh.

But I was just wondering, who has the right or the ability to judge someone else? No one, I believe. Who can tell if someone is guilty or innocent, and be right every single time. Can evidences tell the truth? Just because there hasn't be an occasion when eventually, somehow, realise that the evidences didn't tell the truth doesn't at all mean that evidences and what they show are always right. Sometimes, in life, I don't think anyone has the right to judge someone else. I don't know, it's complicated, that's life I guess.

2008-06-01T11:00:00.000-07:00

Looking back, as always.

With a cup of milo right in front of me, I once again experienced flashbacks. Nostalgia

It's weird, sometimes I wonder, do we live in the past? It's easy to say, move on with life, to put the past behind us, yet time and time again, don't we all experience flashbacks and moments of nostalgia? I believe in memories, I believe in keeping them close to my heart.

16 years and counting. I rushed between piano, mental arithmetic and ballet lessons, all of which I do remember dreading. I took my first step into primary school, making a bunch of new friends. I took the psle, the nerves and all. The joy of making it to the school of my choice, when posting results were out. All the fun in wushu, the worries during interschool and nationals. The madness of applying to NUS High, online application, the test and the camp. The decision to come here coupled with lots of regret and detest. The fun during sports day. The incident. Orientation, games day, sports day 2007. Pre-orientation camp, council camp. Orientation 08. The madness of school, stress and the drop in confidence level. The screw ups and the worries. The early school exam and the long study period. My first AP examination. Games day 08. All these felt like yesterday.

Time. Just what is time?

Mum

2008-05-31T20:10:00.001-07:00

When will we ever learn to appreciate?

2008-05-31T15:00:00.000-07:00

Facebook is bleargh. I can't believe I'm fiddling with it right now and it's taking ages to load. And I'm usually on it just to accept friend requests. Haha, I hardly play around with those applications. Maybe it'd end up like my friendster account, deleted.

Blahhs. Getting real bored at home, or rather, I keep letting myself laze around. Need to stop doing so. Rawr.

Bored bored bored bored bored. Ahhs.

2008-05-30T22:03:00.000-07:00

Waffles, Adabelle, WAFFLEEEES(:

Hahah! Rhythm of life is over. I thought the idea was rather interesting, but the drama turned out to be quite illogical and super weird. The initial reason to watch was for Taekwondo, but evidently (or not very evident), the Taekwondo portions were like either kind of fake, or there hardly was any in the first place.

But of course, it poked my brain for a moment. Life thoughts. I was thinking, can life really be perfect? (The whole plot revolved around a guy who kept on trying to make amendments to change the way things were going to happen. It's kind of complicated to explain here, or rather, I'm lazy.) I sort of believe that no matter how hard you try, life just can't be perfect. The whole point of life, is to experience ups and downs, to enjoy during the ups and to learn to cope with the downs, to face up to challenges, to enjoy the miracles that somehow just happen.

And of course, life doesn't just revolve around yourself. There's always the people around you, the people who give you strength, the people who always appear when you need help, advice, encouragements and all. The same people whom you ought to be there for. It works both ways, friends and family members who are unfailingly there for you all the time, and friends and family members whom you should never forget to lend support.

2008-05-29T18:48:00.000-07:00

I feel like a pig. Rawrs.

My bro's back for the night! x) Though he's sleeping like a pig right now. He's drained I guess, but *cries* he won't be back for the weekend. Blahh. Don't have much to blog about actually, was just getting a bit sian just now.

I think my mum's a weirdo, maybe that's why I'm weird too. Oh wait, I think I've said this before, I believe every human being is weird in his/her own ways. (: But anyway, my mum strongly opposes my idea of learning wushu again (this sucks okay) but hopes that I'd go learn taekwondo again, unbelievable. I figured if I'm totally not allowed to do wushu again, maybe I'd go back to taekwondo, well I do miss it (especially with Caitlin as my room mate), but I'd rather do wushu. Well of course, going back to taekwondo has it's good as well cos it'd mean that I'd get to convert my junior black to a black, which I have been wanting to do for quite a while. My bro refuses to do it at the club, but I miss the club a lot. Instructor Sam is still in charge and I miss him. Tsk. He's the coolest ever instructor (fine cos he extra-trained us for comp).

I realised that the juniors are quite guai. Seriously, some of them are already studying ahead. Gosh, I have never done that in my life, not even for math. Shows my lack of passion eh? Not sure. But those people are SO hardworking, fancy learning calculus over the holidays, they sure do work hard for what they want, like whatever honours or math track 4. Well, comparitively, all I wanted was study when I had to, and seriously slack off during the hols, whee.

It's a good thing to be hardworking, I can hardly bring myself to read up or study ahead during the holidays. Maybe if I worked harder..... Hmmm. I should dig this post up next sem, and see if it helps to psycho myself. Hahaha.

This post is seriously crap. Haven't blogged like that for a while now.

2008-05-29T11:40:00.000-07:00

10 hours of sleep. Omg, was I that tired.
I still think oversleeping makes people even more tired. I think in a weird way, I know.

It's 11.30, where the heck is my bro.

Sometimes, I find the human mind really really funny. I remember during relativity exam, there was this point where my mind went totally haywire, and I felt weirdly tempted to just walk about of the theatrette and heck the paper. Or maybe it's just exams and their effects, but it's quite freaky to feel that way, especially when it's an EXAM. I don't know, it has happened for things like SMO, Australian/American Math/Chem, Rio Tinto, but not for an exam. Weirdness, I suppose?

2008-05-28T11:40:00.000-07:00

Hadn't done anything productive the whole day, unless you count torturing my brain being productive. 2.5 hours of Math Olympiad, laughs. 2.5 hours for 25 questions, not too difficult it seems. Oh whatever, I was hoping to just be able to do ONE question. Just one and I decided I'd be happy, especially after browsing through last year's paper in which it hit me hard that I couldn't do a single question. Hahahah. Then again, I have never done well at SMO, so what was I expecting in the first place? Honestly, I don't know why I signed up, but I guess, life's not about winning and doing well all the time, and I must say, the "gruelling" 2.5 hours was rather fun, exposure I guess, it did feel quite good staring blanking at those ~~weird~~ difficult questions which presented Math in a slightly different way from normal in class Math.

Oh, and I didn't manage to just do one question, I did much more, though I'm supposing most of will be wrong because my "brute forcing" pretty much suck and I lack the skill to do the questions the way the setter was expecting.

Looking through photos from the past was quite an interesting experience, well, I looked really retarded when I was younger and I was more than a head shorter than my peers, gosh. But the photos were quite funny, I looked dumb in some of them, as usual, and I can't believe my socks were so high. Yikkes. But there were some that looked quite nice, childhood innocence. I miss those times. I feel so ancient right now.

I finally finished Where rainbows end and gladly ~~dumped~~ lent it to Renee to bring home today cos I was lazy to lug it back home. xD Was thinking of starting on another book, shall see about that. Hahah.

I feel drained, but today has really been unproductive. x(

2008-05-28T01:00:00.000-07:00

Decided to drop by here for a short moment before I head off to either read or sleep. (bleargh, I zonked out at 8.30 pm and woke up at 11, I'm totally messing up my sleep cycle. From tomorrow onwards, I so am going to attempt to sleep normally. Hahah.) SMO open tomorrow! I don't care if people out there's going to tell me that it's easy, smart souls, what can I say. I'm just not that smart so shoo, I'm going to get a participation cert for SMO! Whee, I have never been good at SMO, in other words, I totally suck at it. In actual fact, I ain't very genius at math, as compared to the many pro people in my school. Hahah.

Well, it wasn't the point for me to blog about SMO, SMO's the I-shall-just-go-and-accompany-Renee thing, or maybe also the I'd-just-go-and-see-how-lousy-I-am-at-Math thing. So, heck that for now, I'd have tomorrow (later actually) to "worry" for it.

Yesterday (in actual fact, it's the day before yesterday considering it's past 12 am already) was blearghh. I got rather frustrated but I do think it was partially my fault. Well, I don't know if I'd wish to blame, because I have my own faults. No doubt, sometimes I feel really tired trying to meet expectations that seem to keep being raised time and time again. Sometimes it feels as though I'm just never good enough in their eyes. Yet expectations, what are they? It's tiring to try to keep up, yet without expectations, would I have strived? I don't know. I have my personal expectations, I think most people do anyway. Sometimes, they don't meet that of my parents, sometimes, my parents set way higher expectations than I do, yet sometimes they set their expectations lower. Expectations drive people to the best of their abilities, I must say.

I guess, sometimes it is rather tiring to keep trying to meet someone's expectations, I usually try to block those out and just stick to my own expectations. Same goes for other minor, yet significant things like parents' beliefs versus your own. Stick to your own beliefs, many would tell me, but is it that easy? I do not think so. But I guess, it's good to be open to the views of others, before deciding by yourself, what you should take in and what you should not. And at the end of the day, stick to what you think is right. (:

Every child will have days of frustrations, being frustrated with their parents, to be precise. I have encountered that countless of times, sometimes I do wish my parents were less restrictive, were less negative, were more trusting and all. Yet at the end of the day, they are my parents, and they are the people who gave me my life, who gave me food and shelter with added love. I ought to be thankful for them, for their hardwork that has resulted in me being able to lead a comfortable life. Most of the time, I get what I want, my parents allow countless purchase of books, whatever textbook you need, just buy, in actual fact, any book, be it textbooks or story books, there is no control to the amount I can spend on them. My parents usually give me the things I ask for, which makes me feel guilty sometimes. Well, of course there are times when they put a stop to my requests, but I'm glad they do, it's a learning point and I do not wish to grow up not knowing how to control spending.

Parents teach us lessons in life, so that one day, we can spread our wings and fly. They worry for us, they are afraid that one day, when they no longer are able to hold our hands and bring us through life, we'd crumble and fall. No one likes the countless scoldings and naggings by parents. Right now, I choose to think of it as parents' way of teaching us, parents have a limited time to "impart" the knowledge of life to us. They do it in the form of scoldings and naggings. Think back and look at the times when you got scolded badly, was it not your fault at all? Well, at least for me, each time I get scolded, I realise soon enough that some faults lies in me and there you go, another lesson learnt. By the time our parents leave us to fend for ourselves, we should have had enough skills to not crumble and mess our lives up.

I ought to appreciate the days my parents scold me, or nag at me, for one day, I will not encounter those anymore.

And I ought to appreciate the fact that I have parents who care, who are concerned, who feel heartached when they scold. In other words, I have parents who love me.

To remember to appreciate all that I have right now, be thankful and be contented.

2008-05-27T18:00:00.000-07:00

o.O The long exam/study period seems to have taken a toll on my weird body. Well, my mind tells me it wasn't that bad, but my body seems to indicate otherwise. Headaches and dizzy spells and increased sneezing. Oh and the frequent "on the verge of falling sick" feeling. Madness.

My mum thinks I should consistently drink chicken essence because it supposedly strengthens the body. Maybe I'd become as genius as those faces of New Moon Essence. Blah blah, as if that will ever happen. But maybe I'd try that, for fun, no harm anyway, or so I think. Okay, maybe a few more sleepless nights here and there.

Trekking was alright today I guess, quite fun except that dizzy spells struck. This sucks, the on and off headaching's annoying me, the night before relativity exam, throughout relativity exam (but it didn't suck so much here, because relativity exam was relatively fun which pretty much helped me to focus?) and the rest of yesterday and today. Blahh. I wish I could go for the kk trip, sounds fun. Hahah.

------

Perfection. As much as I seek perfection, often enough, I find myself being pulled further and further away from it. It's like an asymptote, at the very most, you can only tend to it, but you'd never reach it. Sometimes in life, it perhaps isn't important to be perfect, besides nobody is perfect, if you do wish to believe in that very common saying.

Imperfection drives people, or so I believe.

It drives people to try to reach perfection, though time and time again, people don't. It is perhaps a cycle, you feel a certain something isn't perfect enough, you are driven to perfect it till you're finally happy with it for a little while in which the imperfection was masked. Yet soon enough, you find yourself discovering more imperfect spots, you are once again driven to perfect it. And the same thing repeats. It isn't a bad thing, perhaps, because a continued drive for perfection enables you to consistently improve.

I don't know if I'd consider myself a perfectionist. Somedays I really do find myself hecking. Yet somedays, I just can't heck. Perhaps everyone is a perfectionist of some sort, in their own areas, their own fields.

Strive for perfection, but do not get deterred by the fact that you probably can't reach it.

2008-05-26T17:10:00.000-07:00

This is the dumbest after exam activity ever. Watching drama and blogging. Gosh, why do people have to go for pre-u sem. ): Now there's hardly anyone to go out with. BLAH.

Relativity exam was fine, I guess Mr Lim was being nice, hoping that I didn't make any major mistakes though I make a really stupid mistake for one of the MCQs. Made me feel so dumb.

But heck man, it's over (: There wasn't much post-exam activity I could engage in so I decided to go home. Hahah how boring, I was hoping that my mum would be free but she realised she had something important to settle, so I couldn't go out with her. Blahhs. Went back with Conrad, haha for once I didn't take 151 back alone. (:

It has been a long time since I took the bus with someone. 151's just the bus that hardly anyone takes. ): But it was nice, at least the trip back wasn't boring. Chatted as usual, talked about things like school and for a moment, religion, but not in the mood to blog about those stuff, my brain's like empty right now.

Think I'm going to do brainless activities today like watching tv and reading and chatting. Hahahah.

-------
Whees, I am SO proud of myself! I managed to nap for like 4 hours (slightly less)! Blahhs, I hardly take afternoon naps and if I do, it's usually an hour at most. (: Hahah, looks like I don't have to sleep tonight. x)

2008-05-25T23:00:00.000-07:00

愛與希望

大地被搖晃著
天空突然黑了
我的心也被震碎了
下一秒瓦解了
淚堆積成了河

但明天是好的
我們要堅定著
愛~
讓我們不放棄活著
還要繼續和大自然拔河

當愛與希望
投射炙熱的太陽
昨日淚光
會隨時間都蒸干

別輕易放棄
明天要許更多願望
裝滿了勇氣
就更有力量

當愛與希望
倒映暖暖的月亮
再回頭望
又是築好的家鄉

我知道未來還有好多路要闖
我打開了窗
看見了晴朗

林俊杰在四川地震发生后所写的歌。那地震不知为何如此残忍，夺走了这么多条人命，大人，小孩都不放过。

在电视上听到小孩的哭声，看到一个又一个尸体被拉出，看到无家可归的灾民，自己又再一次感受到生活在新加坡的幸福。明天，我又得回去学校，更糟的是，明天将会是物理考试。可我不该埋怨，至少我还有着这机会上学，四川的学校大多都已被那无情的地震给毁了，生存下来的小孩们，相信他们都希望能像往常一样，上学去，都宁愿生活能回到从前，可他们的生活已经面临一个很大的改变。他们得找个家，有些也得克服失去亲人的悲哀，振作起来。以后漫长的岁月，他们又该如何走下去呢？

地震虽是两个星期前所发生的事，我们仍然几乎天天都能在报纸上看到四川地带最新消息与一些令人心酸的故事。两个星期根本不够让灾民们能从见光芒，两个星期根本不能带走灾民们的痛苦与烦恼，相反的，他们的痛苦才刚刚开始呢！面临了如此残酷的事件，四川灾民却还是很勇敢地生存下去，这值得我们敬佩。接下来的日子将会非常难熬，但愿灾区居民都能够尽快找到心中的勇气，继续加油，重建新的生活。

四川大地震虽然如此残忍，但不幸发生的灾害却团结了四川的每一位居民，团结了全中国人民，也聚集了来自世界各地的善心人士，一同为灾民们尽力。这地震让人们找回古代团结就是力量的信念。不仅如此，这地震也认我们看到有些人无私的贡献，看到战士们的伟大，看到小孩们幼小却坚强的生命力，更让人心酸的是，父母对子女无私的爱与牺牲。

有一位年轻的妈妈，在地震发生的那一刻，虽知道将会无法逃过鬼门关，却还是愿意为三个月大的孩子牺牲自己的生命。为了保护自己的孩子，这位母亲用自己的身体挡住倒塌的房子，宁愿丢了自己的生命也不愿让孩子受到任何伤害。母亲最终无法坚持下去，只有三个月大的孩子，却仍然没受伤，在母亲温暖的身躯下睡觉。

这地震的确非常无情，它夺走了性命也毁了人们的房子，留下的却是许多无家可归的孤儿。这虽然让人心酸，却能让我们看到生命的奇迹，能生存就是一种奇迹，与其为失去性命可怜的灾民而感到伤心，不如就为坚强的生存者感到骄傲！

-------
Was watching the charity show just now, which pretty much drove me to blog and in chinese. The lyrics was copied and pasted and so it's in traditional chinese (hahahah, I just took it from the first site I came across on google) cos I was lazy to type it out. I haven't done so in ages, haven't used chinese in a long time, feels rusted, but nevertheless I am happy that I don't have to suffer under the hands of a rather intimidating chinese curriculum. I am glad to be able to use the language freely, whenever I want to, and not care even if my chinese sucks. (:

I think I need to sleep. FYSICCCS!

2008-05-24T19:09:00.001-07:00

I can't believe this. I can't find the answers to relativity test! Nooooo ): Since when did I become like Yun Hui! Blahhhh! This sucks.

I thought I screwed up my sleep but amazingly, I got 7.5 hours of sleep, that's more than my average. Wahooo. I woke up in the middle of the ~~night~~ morning and did a little bit of relativity before deciding that I didn't want to anymore but I didn't want to sleep either. Ended up reading and I haven't finished the book. Super duper slow but after tomorrow's paper, I can finally openly read and not get nagged at by my mum. Phews.

Alrights. Will have to edit this later, but anyway, http://solecollector.com/category/shoes/nikeshoes/

Hahaha, I ain't a Nike fan or whatsoever, but the wushu shoes seem quite cool. The tkd one's quite useful as well.

-------
Ahhs, I got myself into the ranting mood, but I deleted the chunk I wanted to post.
Need to stop complaining, stop stop stop complaining and just be contented with my life. Rawrs.

2008-05-24T06:07:00.000-07:00

I left out a point yesterday, a really stupid one. I being ever so retarded, went to check out and return my hostel key yesterday after packing up the things I wanted to bring home. The smart thing was, I returned my key even though I was only planning to grab my stuff after lab work. So I had to go through the whole procedure of attempting to get my key back so that I could grab my things to go home. Hahah, Mr Foo was nice, because the security guard didn't allow at first, saying I had to wait for Mr Wong who conveniently wasn't there. I was rushing cos I didn't want my dad to wait so long for me. Eventually Mr Foo asked what I needed to get from hostel and why and stuff like that, so I said I needed to get my textbook because I had an exam on Monday, and so he told the security guard to give me my key. Phews, I wasn't lying cos it was true that I had to get Serway home just in case I wanted check something for relativity (blah even though I already have my uni physics with me), the only thing was, besides Serway, I had to lug other things back as well. xD How dumb.

Haven't been in a very gooood mood. Moody you might say. Guess it's just the fatigue.

While I enjoy a nice chocolate truffle cake right now, I figured I might want to just jump straight to today's stuff even though I did have quite some things I wanted to blog about previously (but I seem to be having troubles with expressing in a nice way, so I'd think about whether or not to talk about them). 6 years ago, I participated in SSC's tkd open championships, well, 6 years later, I return to the club on the day of the championships. No, it was pure coincidence cos I was merely there for dinner but I saw that the championships was held today. Memories flowed, and walking by the grand ballroom reminded me of the one and only time I had been in there, for tkd prize giving cum dinner and I think the sparring itself was there.

The playground we used to play at is still the same, no changes, at all. Those were the days when it never mattered whether you were a girl or a guy, girls and guys just mixed, as innocent little children who could never get the word play out of their minds. Those were the days. I miss childhood. Hahaha. Nostalgic. Rawrs.

And I haven't played tennis for sometime now, (excluding the random 2 PE sessions we had with Dr Sun), bleagh, my bro, stuck in army, I am stuck studying, my mum doesn't play, my dad doesn't really play either. Hahahaha. My racket's rotting in my room, how sad.

-------
Random chatting made me think, what am I doing all these for. I think I'm really impulsive sometimes, I do things without reasons, except that I just felt like it. Sometimes when I do wonder about why I did certain things, I wonder why others did them too. It seemed as though the driving force behind people's decisions are really wrong, but who am I to judge that. People seem to be doing things for the wrong reasons, and it's becoming a bad culture. Yet, the same point, who am I to judge? I know people who share the same sentiments, yet I know people who don't. I don't want people to be doing things for the wrong reasons, but really, it's not easy to change something like this.

Sometimes I feel as though I have hit a stone wall, reached a dead end.

2008-05-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

Somewhat point form, my flow of thoughts is really bad today.

Lab work is madness. It's rather hectic and seriously require quite a fair bit of multitasking. Furthermore, it's only the start of the project and we have only gotten to the synthesis of chalcones.
So, synthesis isn't all just about dumping chemicals into a beaker and somehow getting products, it's about weighing, mixing using a magnetic stir bar, separating, evaporating and more evaporating, plus inhaling the not very nice vapour of ethyl acetate, I hate the smell, it makes me feel so sick. Haha.
Working from 1.30 to 6 pm is seriously more tiring than attaching at IBN even though IBN's attachment was full day for 5 weeks. Guess at IBN, all I actually did was to culture cells (one off!), change medium and fiddle with the 2 million dollar laser microscope that was so freaky to use. Jitter-fied. Hahah.
Physics is getting quite bad right now, I really don't want to disappoint Mr Lim, I need to focus, I know I need to. For Mr Lim. Blehh.
SIMC's going to be over tomorrow, well, my duty ended on Tuesday anyway. All the planning and the eventual executing that didn't even exist, plus the ushering, not that I think I have done a whole lot of service for SIMC, but I guess, there was an effort, especially planning over APs period.
SRP congress is tomorrow, 8 am at NUS, boohoohoo): Ah fine, if I didn't have to go for SRP congress, I'd be stuck in school to usher for closing ceremony which won't make much of a difference because I probably would have to arrive in school early to get blazers and for last minute briefings as well. SO, I shall not complain. (: Actually I am pretty excited about SRP congress tomorrow, because I really do want to look at all those proded projects so that I know the things to look out for in this project.
Life, to learn and to teach. I kind of figured that life's nothing if you don't learn anything. Yet, learning is nothing if you don't share what you have learnt. Gain new insights but don't forget to teach others as well.
Celine's sick, poor girl, she was writing in order to communicate today. Had an interesting "chat" with her, with her wondering why I wasn't in pre-u sem, don't ask me why, I probably ain't good enough or something? I know I'm lacking in a lot of things, but that's the point, to lack in an area so that you can improve, I'd rather have rooms for improvement than to be perfect.
The chat digressed to some other things that I won't mention here, if you're that desperate to know, there's always msn, but that's dependent on who you are. (Adabelle Ng, get online! RAWRS)
Yes, that woman, quite funny. Tuesday I was dead tired by the time I got home, the hectic-ness of ushering, plus the disappointment kind of messed up my mind which in turn led to a messed up body system, so I fell asleep even though I was supposed to tell Adabelle stuff online. Wednesday/Thursday, that woman was headaching and slept a lot. Hahah. The weather is just so BAD.
I need to get a VISA to enter China. I never knew we needed to do that, apparently it's a new ruling that was implemented recently only. Sad.
I am not going to watch Healing Hands III later, I need to focus. Besides, I watched it before and the only reason why I was watching it again was because I was super duper disappointed and super duper confused and had totally lost drive, lost hope. It was a good inspiration and a good reminder of what I truly was yearning for in life.
Enough said, I might come back to edit my post later.
PHYSICS! It's actually quite fun, you know. x) But sadly, Math is funner! I love Math and Science, how interesting. xD And I'm not joking alright, I think learning's fun, just that, there's always something funner in life. Hees.

2008-05-21T20:00:00.000-07:00

"Wait, what's with the sourplum juice?"

One word: Hectic
Two words: Hectic and stressful
Three words: Hectic, stressful and tiring
Four words: Hectic, stressful, tiring and BOILING.

Shall stop at four, kind of lazy to write about the whole laboratory work today, maybe tomorrow if I do remember. Hmm, or if you happen to be THAT interested in the synthesis of chalcones, ask me online? Hmm.

The weather was just horrendous. Well, fine, I think that the synthesizing today wasn't that bad, but the weather just made everything so painful. The Organic Chemistry laboratory was like a sauna. My hands were sweating, under those gloves. My whole body was steaming.

Actually the whole day was kind of hectic. Went to school, rushed down to A-star and back to school. Biopolis, that very familiar sight. I am just HENG that I ain't an SLO. (:

SIMC's quite interesting, mathematical modelling. Mathematics is about developing your brain. Hahahah. Mathematical modelling is really interesting yet it is REALLY really difficult. Those geniuses, GOSH. Makes me realise, I suck at Math. Those people are amazing. Rawrs.

Synthesis of novel proline diamine salt catalysts for the asymmetric aldol addition reaction. This is the ONLY thing I seem to remember for SRP, my project title. Good start eh? Hahahah.

Bleh, sometimes some people need to learn to keep their mouths SHUT. I wanted to type somewhere in this post that there are a certain FEW people that I seriously keep getting annoyed with, but I have no idea what type of people goes into that list, and that there's also a whole bunch of nice people that no matter what, I just don't ever get annoyed with them. Hmm. But I figured there is one kind of people that can go into the list (the get annoyed ones). People who have no idea what keeping their mouths shut when necessary means, in other words, big mouths. Gosh.

And sometimes some people just care way too much about their ownselves that everything they do, they have to consider whether or not it is to their advantage. What kind of life is that? Isn't it really tiring to have do think so much for yourself? Selfish brats that I totally take pity on.

2008-05-21T11:50:00.000-07:00

I figured what's good about being a year 6 in nushigh, well, but I think it isn't that good for us. Well, because the year 6 programme isn't very taxing as opposed to the mainstream A level programme where studying vigorously kicks in by then, you get to go learn how to drive. xD My bro hasn't at all been able to find time to learn driving, and this sucks because I want him to learn. Hahaha. I want to learn how to drive, but if I do remember correctly they raised the age you need to be in order to drive to 21. Yes? No? Not sure, =/. It's quite sickening, but ahh heck. I want to learn to drive, but I have started to not want a car, after looking at how lazy my mum has become. Good and bad, she refuses to walk even if it's just a five minutes walk/ten minutes stroll to the kopitiam to eat. Tsk. But of course, that'd mean there's always someone who'd be willing to fetch me to and from the MRT station when it's either too hot or it's raining. xD

Right, one whole chunk.

And that Friday was indeed a lucky day.

2008-05-20T18:00:00.000-07:00

Ahhhs. Ms Celestine didn't have to send that email. I'm scared of collecting letters from the school, I'm scared of a pre-u scholarship repeat.

I just hope, that Friday (that Friday that I said was a perfect day #2) was really a lucky day. I am starting to believe in luck, for sometimes it's the only thing I count on to survive.

Prays and hope and blehh nervous breakdown! =S

2008-05-20T17:16:00.000-07:00

There was rage initially, who wouldn't feel this way when you realise that all the efforts you have put in for the past 1 month plus, or maybe 2 months just totally went down the drain and that you didn't have to stay up till 2 am in the morning to work those details out. You could have had an easier period of studying for your APs, study hard in the morning and take a nice good break at night, instead of feeling as though your life was split into two, morning study, night plan. When you realised how screwed your preparation for APs was, you didn't have to have your booklet right in front of you, fretting over weird questions you thought you knew how to to, while at the same time, looking up at the laptop screen working another portion of your brain trying hard enough to imagine how the whole activity will flow. You didn't have to have put in that much effort.

But a while before disappointment set in, there was a pause for slight relief that perhaps you wouldn't need to worry about potential screw ups and wouldn't need to fret over problems that arise, then it was total disappointment setting in. I'm not blaming anyone, it's not anyone's fault, seriously. Mr Tham apologised just now, but really, no one would have expected a time delay and a total lack of time.

And poor Tan Li got slave driven for nothing, he's not even in the planning committee!

Of course, before all these, there was the first time that I experienced a nervous breakdown. I am amazed? How in the world did I get afraid of ushering. Shivery hands added on to extreme fatigue.

I don't frequently get nervous breakdowns, I mean the serious ones, not the before a math exam feeling freaked out kind, it's the freaked until I start shivering kind. But I do remember two vivid ones that left me unable to sleep. The more recent one being two days before Calculus II exam. I freaked out, totally, and I was shivering and I laid back to attempt to nap a while before perhaps getting up at 12am to do more math because someone told me about the crazy amount of FRQs he did. My whole mind was filled with thoughts of me failing math. Of course, I gave up doing math but I couldn't sleep though. It was a nervous breakdown coupled with the power of brand's chicken essence.

The other more vivid one was the night before nationals'05. That one was quite amazing, after numerous performances and competition events, I was quite perplexed to why I felt so scared. It was much worse than my first competition in sec one. Weird, and I messed that competition up, totally, by somehow managing to get my foot right in the gap between the two carpets (I kind of figured that the carpets moved, but what can I say, I was unlucky?) and duhh losing my foothold. That was SO embarrasing, but not as bad as Hui Fang's last year's fall. Heng mine was just from a pu4 bu4. That was a major screw up, the first in my short two year life of wushu, performances and competition, maybe you could say the first in my two years of wushu plus three years of taekwondo.

Wonder how my nervous system works.

Which reminds me, discovery channel recently had a show about the limits of humans. There was this part that said that your brain chucks bad memories of pain away, so you won't ever remember how painful something very painful actually was, and that the extent of pain you remember is actually much lower than the true extent. And it might actually be true, because I am not at all able to recall the very very rough times I went through during the semester. Well, I remember breaking down frequently because there was just too much to do, and too little time and I hadn't been preparing well for all my tests. But really, I don't remember much right now. The only things that seem to serve as a reminder of how bad those times were are just the encouragements that people I don't really talk to dropped by and managed to bring a smile. Quite interesting, come to think about it.

Back to the angst and all. Actually amidst all those annoying problems and the total wasted effort, I kind of figured that if it wasn't for the fact that we had to plan this, I wouldn't have been talking to Mikel and hell got slave driven. Well, for one, I got to know someone better? Should this be considered a take away, perhaps. And seriously, I am quite relieved that today's activities are over, even though we had wasted efforts. Heck, it's time to move on from SIMC and I should get to physics and SRP, not forgetting refining the ideas for that proposal because it's seriously too slipshod.

2008-05-19T21:30:00.000-07:00

Blahs. My eyes are so amazing, they HURT and I am so sure it's cos of those onions. Lalala, my mum was mass chopping onions in the kitchen while I was cooking my lunch. It's quite funny cos everytime I expose myself to raw onions my eyes seem to have gotten stung, and it carries on for a long long time. Makes me wonder, do I so happen to be allergic to onions? Correct that, maybe my eyes are sensitive. Weirdness, just what life is anyway.

The idea of having a physics exam soon is starting to hit me hard. Which also brings me some thoughts on Organic Chemistry, actually worries about that module, I'm scared I screwed up my exam. Scared ): Scared for physics too, shall get back to it soon. Lacking discipline and drive to even study. It doesn't help when everyone else is slacking right now, people from our school, people from other schools. ): My life is just SO fun. Nevermind.

My holiday's no better either, so oh wells. I'd just lead a wonderfully busy life, it's okay, at least I think I'm going to feel like I didn't waste my life away. Hmm. There's a trekking session next Tuesday and I haven't at all asked my mum about it. This sucks, will have to hope I get her in the right mood. Bleargh. And I so can't make it for the first aid course either, annoying. ): Next semester's going to be filled with much more clashes, damn. This sucks.

And SIMC starts TOMORROW. I need tomorrow to pass quickly, for once I'm getting freaked about SIMC, about ushering. Hmm, it's quite messy and I need to find a way to get out of the mess. Nevermind, I'd trust that everything will work out tomorrow, since I can't do anything about it. I have faith in the school. x) But poor Mikel's going to run ice breakers all by himself. Heh hahaha whoops. After tomorrow man, after tomorrow. Hengness I'm not an SLO even though I did think the job of an SLO is quite funky, but now, realising that they are busy throughout the whole SIMC week, I kind of think I'm quite lucky. Hmm, well, there's always SRP to settle and physics to study for. I would have wanted to be an SLO if I didn't have anything else to worry about. Hmm, pity those SLOs who are physics majors and are in pre-u sem, are there even people like these? Not sure.

Blahblahh.
Having not stretched in ages it does feel quite good to have done so, except, I am so totally not flexible anymore. I missed that feeling of muscles being pulled and it felt great just now. I miss doing splits while watching tv until my legs turn numb. I figured I need to streeeeeetch. Lost all that flexibility in like half a year, stupid thing. I shall get it back, Caitlin never ever fails to make me feel so crappish when she does her oversplits. ):

I miss those times. Stupid Rhythm of life is making miss tkd. They look SO fake please. Ah nevermind, it's just a drama serial. But they got the Adidas training gear! Expensive thingo that my parents refused to allow me to get last time. Hmm okay fine, stopped tkd so what can I say. Shall stop rattling on and on.

2008-05-19T11:50:00.000-07:00

And they fight to hard for their lives there in China, Sichuan to be exact. It's painful to see how dead bodies come out from the rubble, but it is amazing as well to see them pull people out, alive, even though it is way past 72 hours (well, it has been said that people have very very low chances of survival after being burried beyond 72 hours). It is even more amazing that some of those survivals are primary school children. Life's full of miracles, isn't it?

Well, it makes us realise once again that there's hardly any separation between life and death, life is so uncertain. Be glad that you're alive right now. I wouldn't trade safety in Singapore for anything else, Singapore's a great country because (at least for now) it is away from natural disasters, it has a stable economy, and life here is comfortable.

China's a big country but watching the way they get together to support their fellow countrymen in times like this, it's amazing. They stand together to get through the trouble, undaunted even though it has been a week after the earthquake occured and chances of survival is low. Those trapped had not given up survival just yet. I don't know when they'd stop trying to search for survivors, but I'm glad they hadn't yet because I do believe in miracles. x)

2008-05-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

This is bad. I have totally no drive to touch relativity at all. Rawr, I figured I better get my head into relativity if I do want to PASS. That's so going to disappoint Mr Lim, but if I do manage to pass this exam, I'd be the happiest kid on Earth. x)

I will study for relativity, even though I haven't even gotten through that book. Well well, my mum's nagging about reading the book, and hahah either I read it at unearthly hours of the day, or I just stop reading the book which might not work because it's addictive.

I realised I am driven to do a lot of things right now, just none of which is studying. Hahahah. I feel like doing Math, not physics. Should stop thinking about not wanting to do physics, it's bad. I will get down to doing something productive, soooon.

~~Rubbing salt into people's wounds, how nice of you. Stop gloating, ah nevermind.~~

In its literal sense, the pain's getting a little unbearable compared to that 3 days ago. Whoops, now it does hurt when I walk. Ahhhs. I don't remember doing anything crazy or insane. Heh, I have been so frigging sane these days, correct that, ever since I transferred here.

Anyway, after passing by Adabelle's blog yesterday and seeing her post on Facing the Giants, I remembered wanting to watch that movie after they showed the death crawl part during the motivational, or rather, teach-you-how-to-study talk we had during the times when the school decided we were oh so stressed out.

Youtubed it, hmm, it was a good movie, definitely. Rather religious, but I'm fine with that, don't have a religion. Hohoho, I can't say I'm a free thinker cos free thinkers are people who base their beliefs on facts, but in actual fact, I don't, and I do believe somehow a God does exist, just whether is it in the Christian sense or the Buddhist sense.

Maybe I'd say, instead, that at some point in your life, perhaps when at the lowest point in your life, there'd always be this strength you'd find miraculously appearing, so long as you're willing and open to receive this strength. Someone will just hold your hand and take you through all the hardship, so long as you're open to allow that to happen. Have faith that, as long as you give it your all, fate will decide whether or not to award you with success, and perhaps surprising, unthinkable results. Miracles do happen in life, I choose to believe in that.

And I do believe in the element of luck as well, except I do believe, as well, that you got to work hard in the first place if you do want luck to be on your side.

2008-05-17T15:48:00.000-07:00

Not going Shanghai. xD It's almost the same thing as hk! Well, open the opportunity up to the others, the other more deserving enthusiatic people.

Play like winners.

-------

Mr Ng brought this to class yesterday. We did it in year 3, for teachers day. Well, Mao and Yun Hui and I camped at coro to do it that time, and we filled it up (to the brim!) with sweets and chocolates, which he eventually distributed to the class. Tsk! But fine, we couldn't expect him to finish all that sweets, it was quite a lot!

But anyway, it says on the bottle:

Mr David Ng

a FINE teacher

No graph paper ----- $20

No ruler ----- $10

No GC ----- $1

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad, don't ask me why, it's not just him being a great teacher, a great inspiration, perhaps I do enjoy math and math lessons have been pretty much enjoyable and truly the times in school that I look forward to. I can't imagine how life is going to be like without his suanings. Rawrs, now I do now why Mao was so sad when Ms Teo left.

Damn it. And I told Rad I wasn't sad about it anymore last night. Next semester's going to be SO different. ): ): ):

2008-05-17T11:15:00.000-07:00

I hate that stupid number. It's annoying when you realise how much a drop by one grade can affect your CAP so much. It's so grrrr, that number, it's dominating everyone's life. RAWR. People become so CAP obsessed, and I must admit, sometimes I really do become like that. I do my homework because it's counted into my CA. What the heck man, we ask teachers whether or not a particular homework is going to be counted, and if it won't, it goes right to the end of the priority list. Sometimes, I wish I really don't have to do this, to care about things just because it affects my CAP. I like the way we get to learn in this school, but with the piles of work, somedays CAP becomes the main consideration in prioritising.

I am feeling the pain in the econs' A-, it could well have been an A. I wished it was an A. But just cos it isn't an A, it's not going to mean that I'm going to hate econs is it? It's easy to say that results aren't everything, but at the same time, results shouldn't determine whether or not you like a subject or a module. I'd keep that in mind, and enjoy modules and subjects not because it gives me 5s but because I truly enjoy learning.

That stupid number that can range from 0 to 5. I shall be contented that at least I had a little improvement from last semester. Not that BIG an improvement, but at least it was something.
-------

Blogging in school right now. Rehearsal for SIMC opening. Ahhs SIMC SIMC ahhs. That opening ceremony. =S I am so going to die that day. Ahhs.

2008-05-16T02:20:00.000-07:00

Organic Chemistry exam. What can I say, I so am sure it was not as simple as the tests were, but I did my best, I think. Nothing much, I'm hoping I didn't do too badly for it. FDY and perhaps for that stupid number that can range from 0 to 5, I hope I can get something decent enough for Organic Chemistry.

Today was quite a fine day I believe, a moment of agony (okay not to that extent actually) yet joy during the award presentation ceremony. Faraday! I love my house. Well done Faradians, keep it up guys! (: Faraday, Fibo, Fleming than Nobel. Interesting. Guess Yun Hui's happy with that BUT what's happening to Nobel? =/ Always thought they were of quite good standards? They sure are good at the games. Maybe it's the idea of having MIND SPORTS included in games day. That's where Fleming won quite a fair bit. Oh wells, there's always cross country and sports day. Faraday & cross country. We can always make Ms Lee (+ Mr Chua) proud by coming in within the top 4. Hees. It'd be between Fibo and Nobel, I'm sure. Faraday and cross country doesn't come together man. Hahahah.

The agony? Nothing much, I just felt like I'm missing out a lot on something. I don't think I'm jealous, perhaps envious, but ah wells, there'd always be something for me to improve on I guess. Heck, I will not think, not think.

Aerospace Summer Camp. Why in the world do they think my physics is good. Weird. But anyway, that's yet another aeronautics trip. Not sure if I'd succeed in my application, but if I do, that's Shanghai here I come.

Progress report day today. Guess I could have done better, but would I have? Give me another chance, I believe I would still have been studying for my Organic Chemistry tests the night before, ~~studying~~ practising Calculus II the evening right before each test (4 in total), attempting to get formulas into my head for Calculus III the break right before the tests (4 in total) and quizzes (6 in total, I think) and desperately looking at integrated rate laws just 15 minutes before Kinetics test (I failed at that, had to derive eventually. Rawrs.) With all that last minute attempts (I have no idea why I seemed to face a lack of time, weird), what more can I expect from that stupid number that ranges from 0 to 5. I am contented I believe. English, stupid English. Econs could have been better if I didn't mess up the first test, everything else was rather perfect, but I guess, it's okay, at least I didn't mess up the whole module.

Perfection. So I "consistently seek for perfection in my work" -Mr Tan (BK). Maybe, perhaps, I guess. Okay, I have always aimed for that, but often enough I fall short of reaching for perfection. That's life, if you are perfect, you don't need to learn. But what's life without learning, without improving.

Oh yes and I started on a book, which isn't at all the smartest thing to do when I do have a paper I need to study for. Hmm. Either I dump the book somewhere until I don't dig it out again so that I won't be reading it, or I just finish reading it first. Hahah, shall see, the book's goooooood. (:

Feel like re-reading Perfect match again, it's super engaging. Ahhs. After relativity, it's time to get more books again. I can get about 10 plus books. That's mad, shall be nice and get some for my bro. MPH, there's hardly any MPHs around these days. ): Mah-fan-ness. Ah wells.

I feel like a freaking sluggard. The one and only thing I got down to doing was to count MONEY (class fund, Faraday fund). I will send out the emails that I planned to. Rawrs.

Well, today was alright but a little heavy hearted towards the end.

Mr Ng has left a great impact in our lives, not just mine, everyone that he has taught, whether or not was it for AP prep, for one module, for 1.5 years, for all math modules or whatsoever. He maybe demanding, irritating sometimes, but really, think about it, everytime he expects something from us, he is reasonable to do so. Tutorials, how many times have we not done them, arguing with him that it was his fault that he didn't tell us to do. Really, it isn't his responsibility to instruct us to do, it was our own responsibility to learn. He is not obliged to be there to make sure everyone knows their concepts, he just had to teach, have students acknowledging his ability to bring across concepts to students and he is well a good teacher already.

But think about the efforts he has put into every lesson conducted. His unfailing ability to clearly bring concepts to us. All his efforts to make sure that he goes through every example, every assignment, tutorial, quiz and test. All the efforts he had put into teaching us, have we done the same with our own learning? I can't answer that for everyone, answer it yourself.

Teachers come and go, I haven't felt so heavy hearted for a long while right now. Mr Ng left a huge impact on my life, definitely. Math and beyond. I am glad and super thankful to have had him for my math modules, I do not think I deserve to be top in math considering that I really ain't the best, but if anyone should deserve the credit, it's him. I am not any super zai kid in math, there's a whole bunch of people in my level who are way more genius than I am, but in any case, I have had a good teacher who has never failed to push me beyond my limits. Constant suanings, sleepless nights, all the "torture", they helped in some ways I believe.

What more can I say, he has been and will be an inspiration. Even after he leaves, I guess the impact he has left on us will be there forever. For Mr Ng, those who care and appreciate, work hard for the remainder of what math modules we have left. Those who don't, I don't know actually.

Thanks for everything, Mr Ng.

2008-05-15T19:10:00.000-07:00

Friendster. Gosh you have to fill up a cancellation form just to delete the account.
-------

A negative number times a positive number gives you a negative number, while a negative times a negative gives you a postive number.

Likewise, sometimes in life, a sudden setback or negative thing that happens can turn your whole world into a mess, or perhaps bring you right into darkness. Yet sometimes, setbacks can drive you further in life, to take every setback as, not something bad, but rather a force, a strength to move ahead. It's hard not to get disappointed with things, but I guess at the end of the day, you are the one who's going to decide whether or not you're going to let a failure deter you, or are you going to turn this disappointment into strength and pick yourself up.

I believe everything in life has already been planned for you, what you choose to do and what you choose not to do aren't exactly chosen by you, but rather, they were chosen long ago, and you are merely fated to be the one to execute those choices. Fate. As much I do not want to believe in its existence, I am starting to think that every decision I make, whether right or wrong, has been pre-decided by someone up there. Sometimes there's no reason to the decisions I make, yet somehow, I just choose a particular something over another. Fate, destiny, what are they? Do you really have direct control over your life, or better, your destiny?

While I made my module choices just now, I stared blankly at the screen, med chem, econs or linear algebra? Eventually, my fingers just clicked on med chem, I couldn't decide, at all. 3 modules that I am dying to take, that without consideration of how it might pull up or down my CAP. I couldn't choose all three, and really till now, I still don't know why I "chose" med chem over the other two.

I can't think of any reason, but the mere fact that in life, there will always be someone somewhere holding your hand and guiding you through. While you often do make wrong decisions that make you regret, have you ever thought, maybe all these "bad" decisions made were planned for you to do so, for you to learn something from them? That perhaps, it isn't your fault to have made those decisions, you couldn't have been able to predict what lies in the future, could you? All you know, is perhaps, just that your life has been planned for you, right from the time the sperm and egg had fused.

And my fate is sealed, for tomorrow's exam. I don't know how I will do for the exam, neither do I know how I have fared this semester, there has been many things I could have done better for, but even if I did know I could have done better, what is better? Higher scores? There's no such thing as better, rephrase, there's always something that is better than better.

And passion, at the end of the day, is the sole source of fuel in life.

-------

& Faraday! I am proud of my house. x) Superb job from everyone. Was so glad when Jessica told me Faraday won for basketball. Nice.

Congrats to all other houses that have done well too. (:

2008-05-14T23:50:00.000-07:00

So drained, both mentally and physically. Usually, I don't get the weird feverish thingo, but rawrs it's here today. Should have slept earlier, instead of doing organic till around 2 am. Sigh, I really do wish I can be slacking off right now, complaining about having to go to school tomorrow (I don't think I'd complain actually, since it's games day!), as opposed to having to study for organic chemistry. Organic is fun, but it's freaking me out at the same time.

Random chatting made me feel so pro-faraday right now. I can't say much because basketball and soccer have not exactly been played yet, let's just say, I hope Faraday will do well tomorrow! Rawrs, they lost the first half of the basketball game to Nobel. Ah wells, may the best team win I guess. (:

& on Friday, I am going to be one happy kid man! I can't wait for that break, so tired already. Actually I don't think I'd be happy, rather I'd be relieved. How do you think it's possible to be HAPPY when you're getting back your progress report. I dread that, especially when I know I could have done MUCH better. ):

Sheesh. My body's telling me it's tired.

2008-05-14T19:57:00.000-07:00

Okay, so life's really about miracles. Faraday! (: Morning was lots of fun that started only when we played.

Last minute hiccups that were not at all considered, otherwise, last minute changes that were not made known until that day.

They planned, at first, for A div captain's ball to be on -drum roll, or maybe rolling of eyes- Thursday, i.e. TOMORROW. But okay, nobel year 5s (i.e. May Fong, Melanie and Yi Chen) together with the rest of their team pretty much convinced Dr Sun to conduct the game today. *Phews* Otherwise, tomorrow? Hahah, true blue reading day for us, I guess. Other than that, games day was quite fun. Hmm no one, except Dr Sun, knew anything, even the nobel planning people seemed BLURRED =/ Till now, we are still wondering if there's a first place playoff tomorrow, well, it won't make much of a difference to me because I am going to be stuck at home. (: Organic, ain't I guai. Rawr.

o.O

I think I can declare that I'm getting freaking clumsy. xD Was ramming and ramming into people during the matches, ohh plus a non-existent ability to STOP.

-------
SIMC seems like a mess right now, but I think, I can count on the school to pull off a good week next week. We will, I'm sure, because I have faith in the school's ability to eventually, amidst all the confusions, messed-up-ness or whatsoever, host events that can be considered successful. The school's just zai, no doubts about that.

SRP SRP SRP SRP SRP. QSAR (Not like anyone would know what this is, unless you're Vanessa) + Protocol = (DIE)^2. Hmm, where can I order coffins?

-------
Blogging in chunks as my thoughts flow out rather randomly. I realise I can't be bothered about Faraday winning or losing anymore. Not that I'm not interested in winning, who wouldn't want to, but really, having friends in ALL four houses just means I pretty much am more interested in playing a friendly, fun match against them, and not play to win. I hate playing just to win, it's so annoying, the rough play and all. Speaking of rough, I think I kept ramming into people today (sorry!). Plus what is the use of winning when your conscience isn't clear. Heck, Faraday plays with integrity, more than to win.

-------
Right, I stink, just got home, games day, SIMC, even more SIMC. Hehh.

-------
Back here.

I am tired, but I haven't done much the whole day today and the fact that organic is on Friday is starting to scare me. I realise that I'm going to spend just one day to study for a BIG exam. Cannot cannot cannot sleep early today, I'd make sure I get something substantial done.
But anyway, I mentioned Econs or Med Chem previously. To add to the misery, Econs, Med Chem or Linear Algebra. I like all three. ): It's starting to get on my nerves, I don't know what to choose.

I am confused, flustered in some sense.

How? This hardly happens, but I need help in deciding. ):

2008-05-14T01:55:00.000-07:00

Decided to come by to blog before I go off to attempt to sleep. This is bad, at 1.30 AM I am feeling energetic, minus the weird headache and the painful eye. My sleep cycle is getting quite interesting.

At 12 plus (am) I decided to touch organic, after being a stupid sluggard the whole of yesterday after AP chemistry. Was sluggardly sluggish, now I know what APs do to people. I felt the same after AP calculus. Tsk. Back to point, I started organic after getting quite fed up. It was initially just a "do it to spite someone" thing, but it became close to an addiction. "Close to" is used here because it hasn't become an addiction like math. On a side note, I am so frigging afraid I'd forget Calculus! Ahhhs, I shall preserve the AB calculus booklet and slowly do the questions so that I'd make sure I don't forget! If not, I'd do Barons. Poof.

Back to point again (I'm a champion at digressing), organic's quite fun you know. It's interesting heh. (: But I'm quite afraid, gosh it's becoming like math. Living behind the shadow of a super duper messed up requiz. I.AM.SCARED.

But nevertheless, I am rather happy to have found something else (that isn't mathy) that I pretty much enjoy doing. Physics is fun, but it's not as fun as math.

Tempted to read a book, shall look through my pile of books that I mass spammed last year, before I decide whether or not to exercise self-control.

ECONS OR MED CHEM? *Cries terribly*

&
"Mr Murali, we were just wondering, why isn't there stereochemistry next semester?"
"Wait, what?"
"The stereochemistry module."
"Oh, because there's no one to teach it lah!"
"Whhhhhat!"
"Who taught it last year? Prof Lai right?"
"Yeah"
"There you go"

Something along this line lah. No stereochemistry. Saddening piece of fact. For once, modules are such a pain in the neck. Econs or med chem!

Jessica asked what was our odds tomorrow. I don't know, maybe zero eh? Faraday has never been strong in captain's ball. Hahah, playing with a very diversed team, but I guess if everyone plays her best, then who cares even if we lose. (: Besides, life's all about MIRACLES. Whee.

Sleep time, I mean forcing myself to sleep time. Should get some sleep if I do want to not die on court tomorrow. Faraday! (:

2008-05-13T15:00:00.000-07:00

So it's the end of APs for this year. No ecstatic, relieved or whatsoever feelings, just weariness, and I rather burnt out head that's aching hard enough to cause an annoying, pounding headache. Plus a swelled up feeling in one eye. I hate using that stupid 14 over bucks eye drop everyday and having to get a new bottle every month. Damn why couldn't it just go away just like how I managed to grow out of rash last time. ): Should go see the doctor again, I hate it though, super duper long waiting time just to let the doctor poke your eyes or actually pry open them. Haha okay not to that extent lah.

Ahhhs, headache, sorethroat, what do not have yet? Ooh, fever and runny nose. Need to not fall sick. Blah.

2008-05-12T20:02:00.000-07:00

Vanessa typed this on msn:
QSAR + PROTOCOL = DIE^2.
Hmm. Indeed. But what if you have SRP (which is made up of the above = DIE^2) + SIMC (= DIE) + RELATIVITY (=DIE)? I think you'd get something like this:
2 DIE + DIE^2 = DIE(2+DIE)

Okay, what the heck am I typing. x/

I am so frigging irritated, or maybe not to that extent. Why MUST Medicinal Chemistry be in the SAME group as Microeconomics II. Yes yes, I am not yet deterred by Economics, and yes I was considering taking it again because Microeconomics I has been a pleasant surprise (minus the first test of course). Ms Lim is NICE please, hahah. Oh wells, NOW I must make a decision. ): Unless the year 6s have that module at a time that doesn't clash with anything that I might take, and Ms Lim decides to be nice. Hmmm, but sitting in the same class as the seniors, how ~~fun~~ does that sound? Maybe I should just forgo Economics, though it'd be a waste. Hmm.

The school has superb planning skills, I think. Hmm, Bibi and Baba coming down to our school on 24th June. Rawr, won't be in school. Blahh, I should get a new tie. Damn.

Super random today, I realise this has been the trend for the past few before-an-exam day. xD

& Stupid sore throat. Argh. I wish my room has a warm water dispenser that isn't the toilet tap.

2008-05-12T11:28:00.000-07:00

I am so freaking dead. Ahhs. (For chem and for everything else in fact).

Dr Yong just sent an email. Well, I am excited to be able to start lab work, but the thought of not having done our QSAR, having read through incomprehensible readings that we don't exactly have an impression of, and not knowing much currently scares me. Mr Murali's only free during the 3rd and 4th week of the hols, hahah when I'm not in Singapore. Busy busy busy RAWR. I don't know how much time I'm going to be able to squeeze out. I need to study relativity as well. Ahhs. I guess, if I don't have a choice, late night studying's going to take off again. Oh wells.

Council, SRP, SIMC. Study Organic Chem and Relativity. Argghh. Everything's breathing down my neck. Rawrrr.

[Edit]
Well well, more than half the day's gone now, I feel really really dead for Chemistry tomorrow. I don't know if my revising for APs method's right or wrong, and I seriously can't be bothered to think anymore. Got an email from Mr Tham, well, he settled manpower for us, but at the same time, he pointed out more things that had to be done. Oh wells, yet another reason why tomorrow's no celebratory day. Guess I'd have to disappoint Yun Hui and the rest of the ring. Rahhs.

Home's amazingly nice to stay in. I love my home, but at the same time, I have come to terms with having to stay in hostel again next semester. Hostel's alright I guess, the track's always there, which is quite pleasant, especially when I need to let off some steam. Guess the only thing I seriously dislike about hostel is the freaking small table. Hahah, I am so, hmm, demanding? At least there's the canteen to study in I guess, long tables! (:

Was looking through the Sony catalogue just now, gosh, the VAIO's really cool. Rawrs, tempted, but nevermind. I have a working laptop that I can use day and night and where ever I want to and so I'm happy. (Hahah, my home has NO desktop.)

Realise I'm quite random.

Alright! Chemistry.

2008-05-11T20:58:00.000-07:00

After Rad popped a question yesterday about how I find the stamina to study, I started to think about life, how sometimes we unknowingly get so accustomed to things. It's amazing to realise that sometimes it's not difficult to do something once you get used to it. Life's a huge cycle, and within that one big cycle lies many smaller cycles which in turn are home to more and more cycles. Everything is a cycle on it's own. Everyday we lead is yet another cycle of life. Yet sometimes, though it is good to be accustomed to things, how receptive are we to changes?

Change is difficult, it's hard to get used to a particular change after being so used to something else. We find ourselves slipping back to do what we're used to, finding it slightly harder to deal with change. Some people manage to get used to things and start a new cycle rather quickly, while some take forever to be accustomed. Yet at the end of the day, change is merely a start of a new cycle.

The start of year 3 marked the start of 4 years of madness, or so I thought. Thinking back, I did think it was impossible to survive in this school, the crazy amount of work, brain killing concepts and the total lack of non-academic activities. It took me a while to get used to being in school from 8 to 5.30, for lessons. Yet soon enough, I found myself amazed by how early school used to end for me in Nanyang (I mean the lessons part of school, not training). Somehow, I just grew so used to all these.

Minor little things like changing the amount of time I spend online takes effort to get used to it. Well, I am rather amazed by how I haven't been online (on msn I mean) the whole day except for the 5 minutes or so that I went on for fun. I am amazed by how I haven't chatted with friends the whole day, haven't initiated any, neither have I been online for people to do so. For those who wonder why I'm blogging yet not online, there's a function called changing your status to appearing offline. Heh. Maybe I should go online. Or maybe not. Control control. Hmm.

And there's the getting used to sleeping late and working into the night. Starting work at 10 pm seemed so wrong last time, 10 pm usually marked the end of working and the start of preparations for sleep. Soon enough, I found myself starting work at 10 sometimes 11, or even 12. I found myself sleeping at times like 2 am, 3 am, sometimes even 4 or 5 am. Yet, now it seems to normal to do so.

Everything in life just takes a little effort to receive changes, and a lot of getting used to things. It usually is difficult at the start of something new, something different, yet you'd soon come to a realisation that something you deemed impossible now seems to normal in your life. That's life, a cycle.

On a side note, I think I'm quite thankful for this online thing called a blog, for I am so dependent on it to pour out my thoughts. x) Well, if there wasn't such a thing, then pity those friends I've got whom I might end up bugging to share my thoughts. Rawr, I think I think a lot these days.

2008-05-11T11:03:00.000-07:00

There was this show on National Geographic channel (whee cable!) which was about born geniuses yesterday (i.e. what I spent my time on, instead of doing chemistry hahah). Quite interesting I must say. The typical question, nature or nurture? I think nature and nurture comes together. No nature, nurture like crazy and you won't exactly get the desired results. No nurture, then there won't be a use for nature. According to the show, if a part of your brain is not used then that part of your brain runs the risk of being "handicapped" for life. There was this example of a girl who was trapped for 13 years in a tiny room without any interactions with people. She didn't learn to walk, eat, or speak. So at 13 years, when she first started to pick up the skill of speaking she could say various works at one go. But the interesting (yet sad) thing was that she was never ever able to learn to string the words into a proper sentence, i.e. using grammar. Neurologists say it was because the part of her brain that was responsible for learning grammar was not in use for a rather long time and once past a certain age and it is still not in use, that part of the brain will remain dormant for life. It's freaky, but it shed a new light into brain study.

Likewise, if you start using various parts of your brain early enough, the results can be amazing. That's nurture. Yet, how easy is it for force a little kid of perhaps only 2/3 years old to do something that is so brain boggling. An expert in the show defined a genius to be someone who doesn't just have the ability to do something that isn't for his age, but also someone who has the drive, the raging passion to do it on his own accord. Interesting, but I must say, it's rather true. Which is also a reason why geniuses can't really be made. You can expose a child to things like music at a young age, but if the child has no interest to pick it up on his own accord, then will you consider him to have a natural ability in music? I do not think so. Well, nature and nurture comes together, if a child is interested in something at a young age, is able to easily pick it up and demonstrates an ability that other normal children do not have, then perhaps he is a genius. Yet nurture is important here because a child with a natural ability will not be able to develop this ability unless given the chance to.

I believe it is fine to put a young child into rigorous training programme in an attempt to nurture him from young. At the same time, I believe that once a child grows to a certain age, an age when he knows what he likes and what he doesn't, then I believe it is time to let go of the things he doesn't like. Once a child (note it's child) decides that he doesn't like a particular something and develops strong hatred to it, then I do not think there is any use to force the child to continue learning it. Of course, as people grow older they do not just learn what they like and what they don't but at the same time, they learn what is good and what isn't for them, what is useful and what they might want to pick up. That is when perceptions can change, when a person can decide that what he hated when he was a child isn't that bad. And this is when nurture can come in again. It is harder to pick things up at an older age, but which is better? To like something and hence able to take it slowly and learn, or to hate something and be against it even though it is possible to learn it fast? I believe it's the former. Plus, it's never too late to learn something.

Okay two long paragraphs. I suck at paragraphing when I blog. Sorry for the chunks of words. Time to hit the books and gear up for Tuesday. (:

And to all those taking Physics B/C and/or Biology tomorrow: Jiayou. (:

2008-05-10T15:09:00.000-07:00

HC OAC's really cool. I used to think my brother being in there was dumb, he being chief instructor there meant that the CCA was a dumb one. Hoho, I'm mean. xD But really, looking at all that they have done, YLTC (Youth Leadership Training Camp), Amazing Races that totally owns those we do for orientation in NUS High, or whatever funny activities they have that I have no idea what the names are, just jaw dropping cool. And it's nice to see how my brother, right out from the army, goes back to Hwachong for the camps or the various things OAC has. Or simply to meet up with his batch mates to catch up and stuff. NUS High's ODAC's lacking in comparison, way lacking, but I'm contented already.

It's not that we're frigging slackers, but I guess the school, the emphasis and the timetable just doesn't allow cool things to happen. I ain't the busiest of all people, but many clashes have already taken place, and I forsee more to come. I don't think I have slacked in ODAC, but I realised I have missed quite a number of sessions. Rawr, IMCB, RCLF, SRP. There'd be more to come, it sucks, but I can't do much about it. Rawr.

I realise I digress a lot. Back to HC OAC. It is filled with lots of fun, well, given a choice right now, if there's such a CCA for me to join here in this school, I'd probably join. But if I did stay in Nanyang and moved on to Hwachong, hahah I'd mostly likely remain a loyal wushu-er, because HC Wushu's great as well. Sometimes I do wish that ODAC will be like that, but I can't ask for more, ODAC's way better than tennis. Way way way better. Tennis is just -_- because there's not enough courts (2 courts and a whole lot of people who don't even know how to play tennis).

I'm envious of the good times friends from other schools are going to experience, but I am, as well, glad for all the experiences in NUS High. Well, at the very least, I smile more than I groan, which in turn means that life doesn't suck here. Wheeehee.

And I feel slightly (note the word slightly) more confident for Chemistry AP. But, I still feel quite worried. AH well. Need to work hard, do well and maybe if everyone does well for the APs, then in future, juniors won't even need to take them once the diploma gets recognised. We just need to get this freaking diploma recognised, universities will then know our school, know our standards and gladly welcome NUS High students in, in future. Right know, focus on that five. RAWR.

[Edit]
I so needed to blog about this.
I think lizards are poor little creatures. Gosh, why do people keep trying to kill them! Rawr, they are so innocent! Damn.

Okay I have one minute before I get offline and do some work.

2008-05-10T10:50:00.000-07:00

Amazing, I woke up at 9.30 and that was earlier than my parents, that's just so impossible, considering the fact that almost everytime I decide to sleep in till like 9 plus or 10, they just have to wake me up at 8. Wahhahah, the sky's going to fall and chicken little won't save the day. I feel quite recharged now. Hope that sustains till night time, I need the energy to go on, to gear up for Chemistry AP and Organic Chemistry exam. Not forgetting to spend my Wednesday in school for games day, SIMC briefing and a potential council meeting (plus a potential need to settle more SIMC stuff) Whee. But that actually would mean that after Chemistry AP, I'd have to go home and work like mad for Organic Chemistry if I do wish to do well, in other words, (even if I wish to) I'd not be going out that day to celebrate the end of APs this year or whatsoever. Ahhs, I seriously wouldn't mind going to Sakae with the ring, but it's kind of time consuming and I'm pretty sure my mum will not allow that. I'm a guai kid. x)

I feel hyper. I had an interesting (quite boring actually) dream, which made me wonder if the things we dream about have any link to what holds a place in our hearts, or rather things that are important to us. So I dreamt about the project last night (actually morning), interestingly. It was just a simple dream about the project, from things like settling lab stuff with Dr Yong, feeling glad that things are working out quite well, and staying up late to read (and read and read) readings for the project. I (in the dream) stayed up really really late and just kept reading on and gaining new insights. It felt quite real-life, weirdly. And then I woke up that morning, quite drained but still managed to get out of bed to go to school, and in school, early in the morning, I was still reading and was really engrossed in doing so. I figured I probably looked quite weary (actually I was in the dream) until a friend I said hi to commented that I looked tired. I think I replied something like I was indeed tired but I'd somehow sustain the day. Then I woke up. Hahah. There were odd points like how I was working with two people for the project and not just one, or how there were two female teachers in charge, or simply how the canteen looked really different (I thought it looked like Nanyang's, but the people in the canteen were NUS High students). Dreams are weird. =/ But I seem to dream a lot about things that matter to me. Yes, the night before Calculus I and II results were out (last year and this year respectively), I dreamt that I did really badly and I was so freaking depressed I went to places in school that were good for emo-ing to emo (i.e. just places in school that hardly anyone goes to, like the carpark area, or under the grandstand area etc). Vanessa dreamt about fondue (not just any random fondue, the one we talked about if we managed to secure about project) before.

Today seems to be a good day, shall see what goes on later in the day. But it didn't start off that well, I got kind of freaked out and worried for math, those "what if"s came back again, what if I didn't get a 5. ): But I pretty much got reassured when I read the interview (it's in today's newspaper, really cool go read!) with Peter Agre, the guy who discovered aquaporins (pretty much a protein that channels water), he's a Nobel Laureate in Chemistry, but he scored a D for high school chemistry. The interview in the newspaper's shorter (Saturday section, I think).

There's this site which has his autobiography:
http://nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/chemistry/laureates/2003/agre-autobio.html
Somewhat long, but it's a good read. (:

Note to self:
AP Chem, Organic Chem, SIMC, SRP, Relativity, plus SAT preps.

2008-05-09T10:02:00.001-07:00

New post because I am so proud of myself.
25-3=23! How clever.

Alright, I still feel quite crappy for Chemistry AP which makes me wonder if I should still take Chem-o, like when my freaking Chemistry's so screwed?
I'm worried about that five. Vanessa says that perhaps our level will break the record set by the Year 6s last year. Highly possible. Hahahah.
Possible reasons why they got their fives while we feel super cmi:
1. They are too smart.
Heh, it's highly likely. Geniuses, mad geniuses. RAWR
2. We are too dumb.
Hmm, partially, there are several BRIGHT ones but other than that, there are many people like me who are feeling screwed. A five's going to be a miracle man.
3. We are just not working hard enough.
Possible as well.

Or maybe it's just that a five in APs is more easily attainable than a five in school. Maybe and hopefully.

Argh the 5.

2008-05-09T00:23:00.000-07:00

I realised that I didn't delete my previous blog, how amazing. Deleted my previous-previous one and the few before that (rawr, the one I had when I was still in Nanyang, why the heck did I delete that one!) It's quite funny reading my old posts, memories? Hahahah, dated from November 2006 to October 2007. From things like arts festival combined cheer to pre-orientation camp 06 to orientation 07 to school to more school stuff to games day to campus to teachers' day to sports day to exams. My eyes sure do hurt reading those posts. But memories of the last year (and a bit of 2006) flowed back. Suddenly, I miss Prof Lai. Hmm, after reading my teachers' day 07 post. Rawr, wonder how this year's will go.

Playing for games day I think, since we need to be in school for the SIMC briefing. Right, in actual fact, I should be working harder now so that when I tell my mum that I'm going to play on Wed, she won't erm skin me alive. She forewarned me, not to go back to school on Thurs if there's Organic Chemistry exam on Friday, which means I might not be able to go run through SIMC stuff, haha, sorry Mikel. Shall see what I can do about that. Hengness I ain't going for Kinabulu trip, cos there's a meeting that day. Wish I could go for the trip through but rawr. Nevermind.

Back to Chem.

And I might get to go HK, that's how it seems for now. May it stay like this, please.

[Edit]
I thought maybe I'd just come back here to blog. Was watching Huo Yuan Jia just now, it's just some kung fu drama on cable (dinner tv programme haha, best way to suffer from indigestion while eating.) It's a good show, not just the moves but the things that happened in the show. Won't go into the details, doubt anyone reading this will even be interested. xD

But anyway, it was kind of thought provoking. To change something that is rooted so strongly, so deep, possible? Or impossible? Right, impossible is nothing. I should be using difficult instead. It is difficult, but it all starts with one individual, to initiate a change and work through it, no matter how many people reject the change. Taking baby steps, yet not giving up and eventually, you'd see something better. Not planning to elaborate, my thoughts are streaming in really randomly these days.

There's this other part of the show that reminded me again that it may be tough to involve yourself in a fight, but it is tougher to walk away from one. Which reminds me of the many blogposts I had on my previous blog about how I hated competitions. Shall attempt to dig it out. Hahah

i hate competition.
i mean all sorts of competition.
i love and at the same time hate campus.
i hate it for how it's so cruel, how it forces people to tears.
yet i love it for the way it lets students pursue their dreams.
but there ought to be a better way than this.
i hate sports day, games day etc.
i hate inter-house competitions,
i hate screaming my lungs out and shouting go faraday when deep inside me all i want is just go everyone.
i hate watching people overtake me, yet i hate overtaking people.
i hate the way you feel glad to have won, at the same time having to watch others cry their hearts out for not winning.
i hate having to compete against people you know, i.e. friends.
i hate competition.

That was quite a whole lot of hates. Hmm, I have no idea why I felt so strongly like that then, but I still don't like competitions. Ah wells, random flowing of thoughts in and out and around my head.

2008-05-07T23:41:00.000-07:00

Stupid feverish feeling. Rawrr.

Anyway, Mr Murali rocks. (:
"I didn't not put it (kinetics grades) up early because I was afraid it will affect your math AP". Heh isn't he afraid that it might affect our chemistry AP? Nevertheless, he rocks because I love my grade (especially after a freaking sad B+ for econs). Rawr everything for econs was so nice, except that screwed up test I got a C for. But okay Ms Lim is nice, I love my article appraisal score. xD For once, my math isn't the best looking grade I've got this semester. It's kinetics, just hope my exam gets a nice decent grade (unless they raise the grade for an A+. Sobs).

Crap games day's on 14th May (and 15th?). Organic Chemistry exam is on 16th. Well, I really do feel like playing for games day, but I really do need to study for Organic Chemistry at the same time. And, hardly any year 5s will even play. You know, typical "oh organic's so much more important". Rawr. Games day or Organic Chemistry? Ahh. This sucks, if there wasn't SIMC, games day wouldn't be so early. Ah and SIMC, more work, rahh.

I hate clashes and I hate having to sacrifice something for another. But that's life, sadly. Hk trip's still isn't confirmed. Well, if i do get to go, that'd mean a need to fight jetlag. (Hahah, back on 28th, leave on 28th). How interesting it'd be. Prays hard that MOE will be really really nice.

Right, I should get down to doing Chemistry sooon, starting to worry for AP Chemistry, sadly.

[Edit]

Hahahah, SIMC duty list is like out and it's really quite funny, the way they assign people.

Hmm, I'm not even under the thing that I'm planning for, how, erm, interesting. Wonder if that means I get to slack off (not like we were planning to do much anyway, I mean, sit down there and watch those people deployed do their jobs. Hee).

O.o but I got excused for Sat cos of SRP congress, which is quite good, I mean I wouldn't mind ushering, but SRP congress is actually compulsory for all SRP-ians (how interesting, the way the call us). And I seriously wouldn't mind going for SRP congress cos it'd be quite an eye opener. Yes, we do need to look at the pros and learn.

Purple highlighted names, how fugly.

Whoops, that was quite random. =/

"I'm sorry" "No you're not sorry"
"Okay!" "Sorry!" "OKAY!"
"No you're not sorry" "Neither are you okay"

Rawr, now I keep laughing (or am on the verge of laughing) each time I hear the word "okay" or "sorry". Gosh.

2008-05-07T03:02:00.000-07:00

Was trying to find another display picture for msn and I came across these 3.

I miss those times, all the time we spent hanging out together. The ring needs a revival. The last person I talked to (and I mean the chatting, not the random hello) was Yun Hui.

Rawr, what's happening to the ring. ): Yun Hui, Mae Hwee, Theodore, Conrad. I kind of miss you guys.

The idea of having subject classes kind of sucks sometimes, our breaks are not even common, apart from AP prep right now. Mao has disappeared, Theo and Rad are usually hanging out together, but we hardly meet these days because they don't take Calculus AP and living in hostel means they don't hang around the canteen often anymore. Yun Hui's hmm, okay I still talk to her, just less frequently (in school) either because she's in B class which has like quite a contrasting timetable from A2's, or (for now) I'm in a frigging different Calculus prep class. And I have been hanging around with Nes and Renee a lot. Jumping from "cliques" to "cliques". I hate this. I miss the ring, a lot.

Speech day'07 which happened to be youth day as well:

I miss Theo's comic relief, his antics and his cool astronomy stuff.

I look retarded but anyway, that year, the 3 of us, vouchers and certificates. It was a much nicer speech day than this year's. This year was crap. I hated the going up on stage, I was so, alone.

At least there was YDSP congress this year, where we (Yun Hui and Mao and I) were all there. Mao's just amazingly smart at physics and really, she deserved that YDSP award. So glad she got it this year. She should have gotten for speech day, urrgh. I remember Mao saying that this year's YDSP academic award was a total ownage by the girls (heh no guys, alright!). It was something we all were proud of. Do that one more time, Mao. Have faith alright?

When Yun Hui said that Zhao Ye was her physics idol, Mao was her chemistry idol, and I (somehow) was her math idol, I was pretty much skeptical about it. Because, really, there are many more people in our level who know much more math stuff than I do, getting much nicer scores than I do at math olympiad or those australian/american math competitions etc. I don't think I am that good to be someone's math idol, but I figured that if that's going to help her, why not. It's pretty nice to know, that perhaps, everything I have done, I have achieved are becoming inspirations to people I know. I have half a year left till the end of 2008. Half a year to make a splash again. I shall try to conquer stats, for those friends who have been having faith in me. One more time, maybe. I'd give it my best, and I hope it'd push you guys to do so too. Hmm, the only sad thing, I have been having a frigging full marks drought. Bleargh, full marks for stats, sounds really really impossible. Let's see if miracles do happen.

Anyway,
Dear Students

Just a note to all of you NOT to worry about the AP Calculus Paper today.
You have done your best and I am sure most of you will get a ‘5’!
(You don’t need to get full marks to score a 5 --- just about 75/108 will be enough)

Anyway, I have to thank all of you because I have enjoyed teaching you the Calculus Course this past year (1/2 year for some of you).
I may be rather harsh to some of you during the course--- hope you understand my ‘kind’ (or ‘evil’) intensions.
All the best for your remaining AP Papers next week.

Regards
Mr David Ng

I think we have to thank him MUCH much more. Rawr, 2.5 years, I sense dread without his presence as a mentor, as a math teacher.

2008-05-07T00:48:00.000-07:00

AP calculus is finally over, yet I'm still feeling kind of scared. Actually it's worried. Oh wells, hopefully i didn't make any major mistakes and get a shock when the results are out. Prays hard, really really hard. Bleargh. The hall was exceptionally cold today, until I was freezing (usually I ain't, and would be able to warm Renee, hahah). It felt kind of weird, to be segregated, you know, that two columns of tables they used to separate the BC from the AB people, for a moment, I wished I wasn't surrounded by year 6s. Freaky thing, all those smart, older people. =/ Rawr. I would have been funner to take the exam with the rest of the year 5s, oh well.

Actually, I'm pretty amazed by myself today. Well, for lunch, the stall auntie made a mistake that resulted in chili smacked right in the middle of my noodles. ( =/ I asked for no chili cos I'm lousy, hahah) Spicy. But amazingly I wasn't at all unhappy about it. xD And I didn't waste any food and I survived the whole burning of tongue ordeal. Wheee.

Now I'm frigging full from durians and mangosteens, thanks to my mum. Hahahah. Super duper full, I feel as though I can skip dinner. Maybe I would. (:

Oh, almost forgot to mention, the one and only Mr David Ng was being really really nice today. He packed sweets in nice bags (I wouldn't exactly call them ziploc bags cos ziploc is a brand, but you get what I mean). It was just pleasant, those nice little things he do for us. I'm so going to miss him. Hopefully we (because I was mostly taught by him, minus that one calculus III module) all get the five, for him at least.

So it's chemistry AP exam, organic chemistry exam, SRP's QSAR, SIMC, relativity exam. There's still things like Math olympiad (which I'd probably ~~screw up~~ slack for, cos everytime I take it, I grow sick of doing the questions I just anyhow shade everything and then stone, waste money, don't ask me why I'm still taking it) and SAT. Whee, that's going to fill me all the way till June 7th. Long long time before I'd find a break. Oh well, here we go again.

WORK

2008-05-06T02:48:00.001-07:00

I am so tempted to stop doing Math. Haven't done a lot today, average I guess. Rawr, I still feel kind of scared for Math tomorrow, which isn't a good thing at all.

Confused because I can't decide whether or not to practice more. Practice, what practices then? Barons (the irritating book which makes me flip front and back and front and back because their BC answers for the specimen papers are all over the place) or the booklet? Rawr, I can't figure out which part of the booklet have I not done, because my answers are either on sheets of foolscaps which I conveniently dumped away or in a nice exercise book. Or should I give in to temptation, and rest.

Disorientated pretty much describes everything plus a little scared or maybe nervous.

I feel really off form right now, rusted brain's making careless mistakes over and over again. I remember last year, I had a 7^2=14 mistake, this year I had lots more, the list goes like this: 2^5=25, 2^4=64, d/dx[x^3]=2x^2 (as far as I can remember, I have done this 3 times in a span of 1 month), (x^2)^3=x^8. There's a lot more that I can't remember.

Do more math? Or rest. Ahhhs.

I never exactly had to make such decisions when studying for math tests/exams in Nanyang, because I either knew what to do (usually it's grab the workbook and do some questions but I usually give up doing them really quickly cos the workbook's a torture to the eyes) or there'd be people asking for help so I'd just help them (it's much funner, well, you help people while at the same time you're doing something too).

Back to the question, do more math or rest? ):

[Edit]
I am *coughs* pro. 3 hours worth of TV. Rawr. Was supposed to sleep at 11, but seems like the waking up late today isn't helping. Shucks. So un-tired right now. Oh you know, sometimes if you sleep late (really really late) and wake up early, you'd get really energetic in the morning. Felt like that a couple of times, I mean everytime I sleep after 2 plus/3. But the energy level falls drastically in the afternoon. Hahah, May Fong agrees with me. (:

So it's 12 plus hours to end of calculus. One last stretch to go and hopefully no more official calculus. *Prays hard, really really hard*

All the "what if"s are starting to flow through my mind again. Bleargh, I need to stop thinking about those.

Rawr, focusfocusfocus. Ahhhs.

[Btw, good luck for calculus tomorrow. That's if anyone who's taking the paper tomorrow happens to read this. xD]

Kiwi!

2008-05-05T08:21:00.003-07:00

Wahha, I'm back again.
Watched this video a couple of days ago, okay when was it, hmm, Sunday morning (hahah the 1 am-ish timing), so fine, that's not a couple of days ago. I think (stresses the think) I watched this before cos my brother was showing it to me, but back then I didn't exactly get the meaning behind everything, minus that I thought the animation was cute. Hahah.

I just rewatched the video again since I decided to slack a bit after doing some math. Need I say more? I think I am inspired. Hahah.

I got this from a web that talks about the video. It basically sums up everything that pretty much inspired me:

No matter how absurd and seemingly out of reach your dreams are, what's stopping you from achieving them?

Indeed, heh, if the kiwi wasn't even afraid to die, just so that it could "fly" then what are we afraid of?

I have had many many encounters of not daring to aim, to go all out to achieve something, because I was scared of failing. I think I did that way to many times, even until recently, I didn't dare dream of doing well at math (yes yes, I am afraid of doing badly at math). For a moment right now, I question, why was I so afraid of being one mark off full marks?

The video's a great inspiration, in my opinion. Hahah. (:

2008-05-05T01:58:00.000-07:00

After a rather long day at school, with Chemistry plus a mock BC paper, I kind of feel quite drained. And really, the last thing I wanted was to be questioned. Typical parenting questions that go like this "are you even studying, what have you been doing in school, never study right etc." Well, well, it's pretty much the last thing you'd want to listen to or be asked about after a rather mentally draining day at school, but eventually I was questioned. What I did was to go down to the canteen to sit around (10 minutes) with Renee and snack, and wahha, I was deemed to have slacked and not studied. I can't imagine myself studying every single second, no way. So all I said was that I had a tiring day at school, I just finished a mock BC paper and I just wanted a break. Hahah, big joke, this was what I was told. "Want to complain is it? If you don't want to study, then don't study lah! You don't do well, not my fault." Ahhh, how "encouraging" that was. PMS, that's so typical pms-ing. Gahh. Heck that. Typical parents and the pressure they face when their kids are going to sit for exams. It doesn't help, but I guess I can understand what my mum was driving at. Guess I'd have to learn to gain more of her trust, and let her realise that I know that I need to study because it's my life and it's my future, and that I ain't studying for them, to put it simply, self-driven.

Wow, that was one big chunk of words.

Anyway, I amazingly was in the mood to reflect DURING mock BC paper. (Yes yes and what did I do eventually, (x^2)^3 = x^8. I can't believe myself sometimes. Rawr) Back to point, I was thinking about how cynical I have been about things, after getting a little irritated during the mock paper. Shan't dwell about the irritated part, I believe people will learn eventually. I realised I have been cynical about many things, even today's mock paper, I was initially quite reluctant to take it as a mock paper, to check and all. But it hit me hard during the FRQ section, why wasn't I receptive to all these things that are there to help me?

I kind of realised that it's a little hard to put my thoughts into words so I guess I'd jump to the conclusion, I'd try to be more aware of my actions. No, I am not going to be cynical about things anymore.

Quote from Yun Hui's blog:

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over. -Gloria Naylor

Well, we were just talking about a certain something today that left me in shock for a moment. But I guess, if we can't do anything about it right now, we just have to be there when no one's there, to be a true friend.

I realise I'm starting to panic a little for APs, I have no idea why. I am seriously afraid for BC. Dreads. And I am dreading the after APs thing as well, busy, hectic, crazy period. But I guess I can't complain, I don't think mine's any worse than Yun Hui's. Her schedule seems like madness, but anyway, you'd survive woman, somehow (: Jiayou.

Rights, and I think I need to do this.

I will tidy my calculus III file.
I will make sure I bring my calculus III file on Wednesday.
I will tidy my calculus III file.
I will make sure I bring my calculus III file on Wednesday.
I will tidy my calculus III file.
I will make sure I bring my calculus III file on Wednesday.
I will tidy my calculus III file.
I will make sure I bring my calculus III file on Wednesday.
I will tidy my calculus III file.
I will make sure I bring my calculus III file on Wednesday.

Hohoho, so primary school, and I am such a joke. But yes, now it's locked into my head that I have to get my file done. Bleargh, I don't like submitting files. Rawr.

2008-05-04T03:44:00.001-07:00

Boo): I took so long (based on my own standards) to do my FRQs for Math. I seriously hope that it's just the lack of adrenaline like what John describes it to be. Hmmm, we shall see on Wednesday, I still feel kind of rusty for Math. Freaky.

Posting for the second time today, now now, I do have something to type here (and not one of those funny lame posts like the one I just posted). I can't remember if I posted something similar before, nonetheless, here I go.

I was thinking about the common phrase "forgive and forget", particularly the "forget" portion. Can people really forget something so easily? I can forgive, but I can't forget easily. I definitely can't forget the good times I had in Nanyang, in Nanyang Wushu, similarly I can't forget the bad times I have been through. The troubles I have been through are probably not any worse than the troubles some other people have been through, perhaps they can be deemed as "insignificant". Yet, no matter how small these things are, how insignificant they may be in the eyes of others, how situations have blown over after so long now, I find myself, still unable to forget the pain that was inflicted (I'm referring to the bad things that have happened, not the good here, good things are unforgettable, they are called memories, they are something that I'd be glad to recall.)

I guess there'd be a time in everyone's life when something just goes really really really wrong. I kind of realised that I'm pretty sore about certain incidents, I can't forget. Yes, it has been a long time since those happened, yet everything seems like yesterday, the wound still feels fresh, the only difference? I think I have started to look at things from another perspective, I have learnt where I went wrong, understood the mistakes I have made, and learnt never to make them again. I have stopped blaming those I used to blame, forgave those whose actions had, perhaps, constituted to the things I went through. Of course, I have not reached the point of forgetting. I can't forget, I just can't.

Sometimes, somethings just haunt you for life. I still can't believe I did that in year 3, it just seems so impossible. Yet, I did that and it is haunting me, time and time again. I regret. Yet, what's done has been done. I can't say it was entirely my fault, I think it was both, yet I am regretful of what I have done, though I think the whole matter has blown over already. I regret, I really do. I won't forget the portion that wasn't my fault, but more than that, I can't forget what I had done.

I have moved on from blaming others.

2008-05-04T01:14:00.000-07:00

Hahah. I gave up reading the 100 pages (okay 99 I think) cos the rest aren't really relevant. Or at least I don't see anything relevant. Time to move on to the next reading. Tonight, I guess.

I am so breaking records man. I woke up at 10. And bummed around until 11 and did one specimen paper for math, before lunch. Just one and I haven't done anything else, apart from watching tv of course. Ah wells, guess I'd have to get something done soon, before dinner. Shall do some Chemistry after dinner, then read the 40 pages worth of "Review Aldol", which looks pretty interesting to read. (Omg, I seem like a nerd right now.)

Actually I was going to type something like this: today's record day, this is going to be the first time in a long long time that I have no idea what to type here. But, I don't think that applies anymore. A random thought came to my mind, what's the true meaning of nerd. Well it's a slang that means either a stupid, irritating, ineffectual or unattractive person or an intelligent but single-minded person obsessed with a nonsocial hobby or pursuit. (Heh, dictionary.com!)

I think nerd's a bad word to use. Hahah, for one, I am not obsessed with reading "Review Aldol". Next, I am not obsessed with studying either. (Nothing else actually hahah) I get called a nerd by people who walk by in school, when I'm studying. Wow. Call me hardworking, but not a nerd. If I have a choice (that doesn't mean a choice to mess my results up) I'd drop my books and go do something fun like sports or something. I should stop calling people nerd. Actually, I think I haven't done so in a long time (apart from calling myself a nerd). Nevertheless, I will not call anyone nerd, unless he/she self-admits to an obsession with anything nonsocial.

The words "nerd" and "mug" aren't really good representations of hardwork. Hardworking souls need not be nerds (well, they can be hardworking but they don't have to be obsessed with studying), neither are they muggers (heh robbers? Unless they rob the knowledge from books, which still doesn't allow the word mug to be used)

Gasp, what dumb post have I typed. Well, at least it isn't a blank, no content post I guess. Hahah.

2008-05-03T03:07:00.000-07:00

I feel as though I have not touched math in ages. Actually, I haven't exactly touched math for quite some time now, minus the prep sessions which were mere doing of 1 FRQ set/1 MCQ set each time. So I decided to do some math today because I felt really out of practice and indeed, I was really out of practice. For a moment I wished I was in Mr Ng's class, because his AP prep sessions were more hiong as compared to ours. (Heh, he complains that he does not have enough time for each session, while here we are, slacking away at the canteen because our prep session ended an hour early). Ah wells, I still feel really really out of practice, but my chemistry's still quite crappy and I feel as though I'm going to screw up chemistry AP, even though the Year 6s keep saying that it's easy. Hmm, we shall see about that.

Speaking of Mr Ng, Renee and I already started to miss him. Blearghh, I don't like this feeling. Alrights, since we can't exactly do anything about it, Renee and I pretty much decided that he's going to get a long long long letter. (I think, because I really don't know how long I'd end up writing).

My thoughts today are quite random, so bear with me if you wish to carry on reading.

I realise that my after APs period is going to be really really hectic, and not the whee I'm going to slack thing I was expecting. So I'm going to have to squeeze out some time for QSAR (SRP stuff), studying of relativity, and SIMC stuff. Wheee. And then I might have to move back to hostel, even though I seriously do not wish to, if Nes' schedule for pre-u sem is way to busy for us to do QSAR in the afternoon or something. After hours. Oh well. Good preparation for next semester I guess, highly likely that we might have to do after hours research. Imagine that, 2 girls and 1 teacher in the Organic Chemistry lab from 8 pm to 10 pm or something. ~~FUN~~ Crazy more like it.

So while some people's exam period's going to end really soon in like 10 days or so, mine's going to drag all the way to 26th may, like all other physics people. And the 10 days I have in between Organic Chemistry exam and Relativity exam are going to be HECTIC. I wonder how much time I'm going to be able to squeeze out to study relativity, and I vowed to work hard for that exam, for Mr Lim at the very least.

And I am so breaking records man. Waking up later these days and sleeping earlier as well. Well, I think it helps though, otherwise I think I'd have gotten sick or something. My nose still feels crappy, but at least the going-to-turn-very-sore throat isn't that sore right now. I don't want to fall sick, no way.

Chemistry or math? Or slack off and rest? I feel so disorientated all of a sudden. I have always known how I was going to study for an exam, like planning. But somehow, I just feel really disorientated right now. This sucks.

Maybe I shall go blog at xanga first, even though hardly anyone has access to it.

[Edit]
SRP's getting annoying. Rawr, I do remember the reason why I applied for SRP in the first place, I thought SRP was structured, so structured that I didn't have to worry much apart from my project itself. I can't believe I actually thought that way. But I actually decided that I wouldn't even get through because I ~~smartly~~ went to do the Bio and Chem sections before doing the Math section with that little time I had left. But somehow I got through it, unbelievably. Often enough, Nes and I considered dropping SRP. But I guess the reason why I'm holding on to it right now (not the best of all reasons I can have) is that glittery "sticker" it provides plus, of course, the funding which means you can do more complex reactions with crazier chemicals, which means that the project can be cool and funky. Nonetheless, I love my project right now, minus the annoying amount of paperwork we got to get through.

I still feel kind of disorientated right now.

Plus feeling full from donuts that were bought by my really really nice brother. Which reminds me of the magnet on my wall (I blutack-ed it cos my whiteboard got removed). It has a quote that goes like this:

To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children,
to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world abit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch... To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded! -Emerson

(: Well, that's life and success for you.

There are a thousand reasons why I should give up, but I'm stubborn in the things I believe.

2008-05-02T09:17:00.000-07:00

So an email drove me here. I can't believe my luck. I thought I was going to be able to suan Renee this semester because I didn't kanna math file for accreditation. And now I need to submit my calculus III file. ): I'd seriously rather submit my calculus II file because that file's in perfect condition, while my calculus III file's like in a partial mess. Ah wells, I shall get down to packing up that file sometime soon. Someone can always be ~~evil~~ nice and nag at me. Bleargh.

And I'm up at 12.20 am, blogging. How smart. Haven't exactly done that much work, and have instead glued myself to the TV. Healing Hands III is just inspiring. Watched it once before, back then, I still pretty much liked The Last Breakthrough more. But this time, I thought it was quite a good inspiration. Haven't talked about drama in a long long time. Haven't watched kungfu dramas in a long long time either. Huo Yuan Jia! (: Those moves, oh so cool.

Okay okay, I shall stop rattling on and on.

2008-05-02T02:19:00.000-07:00

I pretty much dislike bus rides back home as they are rather long (it takes almost double the time I take by car! Rawr) and perhaps lonely (hardly anyone I know takes 151, maybe just Renee and Conrad, but Conrad's in the hostel, Renee has her nice mum to fetch, while my mum thinks it's too hot for her to drive down to my school. Hahah). But as much as I dislike bus rides home, I kind of think they are a good time to think and reflect. (Morbid issues at times though)

I had a random thought in the morning today, after having flashbacks of pre-orientation camp'07. (Yes yes, I am that random). I started to wonder how the camp will be like this year, without the Year 6s. We have had 2 pre-orientation camps with them, and they have planned 3 orientations. I started to realise that the Year 5s are probably closest to the Year 6s, which might just leave us lonelier next year. Oh wells.

So I started building my thoughts from there, thinking about how I have taken many things for granted. I used to think it's a norm for my parents to be fetching me to and fro places, that taking a bus was something I shouldn't be doing at all. I was full of complaints when I had to bus home, yes, I hated bus rides and I still do. The only difference is that I am much more willing to go home on my own because my parents ain't at all obliged to fetch me. I used to also think it's a must for my parents to get me whatever I ask for, new shoes, new bags, new phones, MP3s etc. I used to think that I should and can get whatever I want in life, once in a while thinking that life should revolve around me and not others. Self-centered, gosh.

I think I gave my parents hell last time. Sensible child, my foot, I was far from being one. So what if I had good grades in the past, in primary school, in Nanyang, I wasn't a sensible child, yet, I thought I was one, I thought my parents were demanding. I have grown to realise the pains my parents have gone through, dealing with us. I have also grown to realise that my brother has all along been giving in to me.

My parents worry that I'd compare with my brother and get stressed out. Yes, I do compare with him at times, just for the fun of it. I have learnt that both of us are different yet similar in some ways. Somehow, as much as I wouldn't want to admit to it, I think I have been following his trial, his footsteps. The many things he did before were somewhat inspirations for me. I used to get quite upset with him, perhaps taking him for granted. I thought I didn't need a brother like him, I was really really wrong. Time and time again, he was the one who helped me when I had trouble with work in school, time and time again, he gave me advice and what to do next, introduced various opportunities etc. No doubt, I do compare with him and at times, I am envious of all that he has achieved, yet beyond that, I am just glad to have a brother like him. Plus he's the one who's keeping me balanced in life by telling me who much he loves Biology and how I should be liking it too, and this helps a lot especially when I am surrounded by so many Physics pros and Physics enthusiasts who influence me to like Physics (peer influence bleargh).

And there's teachers as well. Some people think that they don't need teachers to teach them. I beg to differ. When Mr Ng gave us our "AP Exam kit" today, I started to wonder how math would have been different if we were not taught by him. I don't know if I would have done as well. He taught well, really really well. This kind of reminds me of the "dream" I had in Year 3, mid-year. Well, at the beginning of the year, I didn't think I'd be anywhere near the top for Math, since this is a "Math and Science" school. I was contented with average grades, until I got my results in Semester One. I used to think only guys were good at Math and Science. So I had a dumb aim, to beat as many guys as I could in Math. Hahah, how dumb and how sexist that was. I really don't know if I'd be able to be where I am right now, if I hadn't been taught by Mr Ng. It wasn't just the teachings, it was everything that he did for us. The sweets, the personalised cards and well wishes for exams. Everything he did was a motivation, the effort he put in to do all those for us, it's just so touching. And I get really annoyed by people who take all these for granted. It may be just a simple card with your name on it and a mere two lines, yet imagine writing it for the whole level, 90 students, maybe more if he wrote it for the Year 6s he taught. It's not easy, yet he did it for us. Appreciate it people.

This brings me back to my initial thought about pre-orientation camp without the Year 6s. I really don't know if we're going to be able to pull off a good orientation next year, I really don't. I had this random wish when I was thinking about it in the morning, just a deep wish for them to be there during pre-orientation camp'08, to just be there to advise, even if they aren't going to be the ones executing. Hmm I don't know, I'm still wondering if we're going to be able to pull it off next year. Oh wells, somehow we will I guess.

-------

Grins (: It's so nice I don't want to touch it. Hahah.

And before I go,

Lee Yun Hui (the great xD). Congrats! Knew you could pull it of. (: We all are seriously proud of you eh? The ring plus the honourary members of the ring. Yayness. Hahah. (: You can go smileeee for the rest of the day or maybe the week, pro woman.

2008-05-01T03:26:00.000-07:00

So Vanessa saw that line (about us needing an additional member SRP) and she came up with this advert, which left me laughing. Haha. Read on.

=================================================================
URGENT!

LOOKING FOR: Researcher for graduation research project

PROJECT TITLE: Synthesis of novel proline diamine salt catalysts for the asymmetric aldol addition reaction

QUALIFICATIONS:
Preferably a predicted B+ and above in CM5102 Organic Chemistry
Must NOT be in organic chemistry remedial
Taking Chemistry honours
Existing knowledge of the aldol reaction is preferred

COMMITMENT:
Lab work at least twice a week in Semester Two, AY2008
Lab work after hours, when necessary
Available for full-time research from 2-13 June
Willing to start preliminary research work (QSAR) this semester

REQUIREMENTS:
A strong interest in organic chemistry
Ability to work with the teacher-mentor, Dr. Sarah Yong
Be willing to work as a team
Be willing to read existing literature extensively (including approximately 150 pages of journal articles and appropriate chapters in organic chemistry textbooks)
Tolerate existing team dynamics
(Hahaha. Existing team dynamics, i.e. random bickering and very random comments about things, in other words, random nonsense.)

NOTES:
This project will be used to fulfill both ARP (AXIS Years 5/6) and SRP requirements. Thus, two sets of deadlines will have to be observed. Also, we hope to present this project at SSEF, which requires high levels of teamwork, commitment, and theoretical knowledge.

CONTACT:
If interested, please contact Vanessa (h0630081) or Cheryl (h0630013) via email (@nus.edu.sg) by the end of this week.
Please include a summary of the reasons you have for wanting to join this research team and also past research experience, if applicable. We will respond to your application within two working days

=================================================================

So we had an interesting request from Fiona Foo. Well, given her strong interest and her proded capabilities in Organic Chemistry, I was stunned when Nes told me about it. (Cos I went afk on msn.) Gosh, I seriously wouldn't mind having her on the team since we DO need 3 people for SCSF. But problem is, SHE'S A YEAR 6. SCSF is next year, so is SSEF and our project will be dragging on all the way till next year, I believe. Poof, such a waste.

I realise that I am much less productive during weekends/holidays (say, Horridays). Oh, and while everyone else seem to have slept late since today's a holiday, I slept early. Okay, considerably early as compared to the times I have been sleeping recently. Plus, I woke up at frigging 9.15 am today. Rawr lateness. ): And, I haven't done that much work, even though I'm quite pleased to have figured out that stupid acid-base equilibria question.

But still, it sucks to think about how little I have done today. Alright, I shall get down to school in the morning even though I'd only need to get to school at 12 noon to get the "AP EXAM KIT" from Mr Ng, while Chem AP prep only starts around 2 pm. And I shall attempt to do work. Rawr.

Which reminds me, I haven't thought about what I was going to tell Mr Tan about Calculus III. I shall attempt to recall the day I first attended the lesson and go through my whole Calculus III journey to see what wasn't good and what could have been done to improve learning. I will, so that the other people (my batch track 3s, plus future math honours, especially track 4s) will have an easier time doing the module. Come to think about it, Calculus III wasn't that dreaded, because there was always Renee to count on. (Phew, thanks woman). The module isn't as bad as it seems, definitely not worth the amount of complains we have been pouring about it. But there are difficulties here and there, I think. Maybe it was off-paced, because Renee and I were speeding through the front, finish the examples and filling up the notes way faster than he was teaching, yet we couldn't sustain that towards the end cos the stuff was getting more difficult and he was going faster as well? Shall think about it, later.

Yay, so I planned my day tomorrow, left with just an execution, I'd make sure I keep to what I have vowed to do. Tomorrow, here I come. Hahah.

As for now, HUNDRED PAGES. Rawr.

And, Lee Yun Hui! Hahah, GOOOOOOOD LUCK for solo eh? Go go go (: Jia you mans, but don't forget to enjoy the whole process kay? (:

Bro's back for the weekend. Shall go.

五月天 - 知足

2008-04-30T20:58:00.001-07:00

Since it's may day,
五月天 - 知足
The MV's quite boring, but I like the song. xD

----

So it's may day aka labour day aka studying day aka lifeless day. Okay maybe not, my whole point here isn't to blog about how lifeless I'd be today or about my attempt to study.

7 years have passed. Wow, I like that number 7. Back to point, 7 years ago, I remember vividly, being involved in a taekwondo demonstration, with my brother and several others. That was a crazy 7 years ago. Yet, I remember so clearly, the pride I had being up there demonstrating, the fun I had doing taekwondo, hanging out with friends of similar interests, I remember so clearly, how much I loved that sport. Now when I think back about those times, I wonder why my life is so different from that in the past. It was so carefree back then, and all I had in my mind was the number of days before Saturday, or the number of hours before taekwondo. It was nice to have something to look forward to each week, I tasted that once again in Nanyang. Yet now, there isn't something so big, so significant to look forward to. Amazingly, I am surviving like this.

There are so many things I want to do, there are so many things I yearn to try out. Either that, or simply things I want to do again. Taekwondo's one, wushu's another, tennis as well. I feel that urge to train again. Yet, what can I do? Ditch everything and just go back to kuen to train? Heh, crap, it has been 3 years since I touched a 棍, poof I miss the one I used in NY, but I think it's battered now, because Xue used it to coach. Rawr, fine it was already spliting when I used it, but I used tape to tape it up, like we all do. (: I figured it'd be hard to train again, well well, I have lost the flexibility (stupid thing, I can't do a split anymore. Argh), and the strength and power and all. Sad but that's life.

We all make sacrifices in life, because you can't have everything you yearn for. No doubt, I sacrificed to come here, but if I stayed, I would have sacrificed the experiences in NUS High. It's just life. I miss everything I have done before, my past 16 years on this Earth. I realise that even though I don't have a particular something to look forward to each week, I am pretty much enjoying my life here. Studying seems to be everything, yet I think I quite like the things we're learning. Heh studying's quite cool, if you think of it in a different light. Maybe I shouldn't say studying, perhaps learning's the word. Life's about learning, no learning, no life.

I am contented. I really am. I am so glad I came here, I wouldn't want to trade anything for my experiences here. No doubt, life here wasn't easy, and it still isn't, yet it is a whole new experience, it is something you can't get elsewhere. Start by not hating school life, then you'd grow to love it. (:

2008-04-30T03:52:00.000-07:00

People change, I think I have changed a lot since the day I stepped into the school. (Blogging about this after reading Renee's post a few days ago) Well, it's rather interesting to know that I got to know more about myself here in NUS High. At times, I recall how I have been like in Year 3. According to Jacque, I was apparently cool looking just because I rolled up my jacket sleeves (and I was the only stupid loser who was wearing a jacket in the hall, oh, and the jacket was black which stood out among all the white and greens in the hall). It was such a Nanyang thing, I realised I couldn't kick the habit in time for NUS High, until quite a while later. Well, I certainly was far from being a good student, non-white ankle socks, eating outside the canteen, not abiding strictly to all the rules, typical student thing eh?

I don't think there is any specific incident that left me drastically changing. Yet time and time again, things happen, leaving me thinking, reflecting and perhaps regretting. Yes, I do regret my actions at times. A particular incident in Year 3 left me only to realise my grave mistakes. It was my fault, partially at least. Immaturity, I'd say. People do grow and learn from their mistakes don't they? Maybe that was a changing point, because it was only then did I realise how childish I had been.

Well, it wasn't all that a "it's all my fault" thing. And a particularly hilarious something that happened yesterday left me almost laughing my head off (sad to say, it's still intact), yet it left me with bad memories of the past. Bad memories. I realise that as much as it is difficult to forget all the good times you've once had with your friends, in primary school, in your previous secondary school etc, it is difficult to forget the bad things you have encountered before as well. I have completely zero ability to forget what I went through in Year 3, and I remember vividly, the scenes, the words (and the tears). I have moved on from that incident, yet time and time again, it comes back to haunt.

Of course, the haunting does serve as a good reminder to myself, to not walk back that same path I walked previously. I will not make the same mistake.

I am almost completely different from who I saw myself as when I was in Year 3, and I probably am completely different from who I was in Year 3. Well, before even coming to this school, I aimed to just be average among all the pro level mates. I expected to be contented and settle for average but evidently, I am attempting not to settle for that. I was a jerk in Year 3. I think I am less of one right now.

This isn't a very good post either, I am just typing as my thoughts flow out. Shall stop, I have quite some stuff to do, which includes my 100 pages, some SIMC stuff, some council work, and thinking of things that can be done to improve Calculus III for juniors next year. I don't know what I can come up with, I know there's something that isn't right about this module, yet I don't seem to be able to pin-point. I have tonight and tomorrow to think about it, I will, for the sake of next year's and the future batches to come.

2008-04-29T02:07:00.000-07:00

I wanted to use the word flustered, but I realised that it meant being agitated or confused. I don't really think I'm confused, maybe a bit after yesterday, but not really. I guess I'd have to use the word weary. We had the games session today and I was kind of looking forward to it, until I realised we had to be in PE attire (grr) and my PE attire's somewhere in the hostel. So I ran the two rounds in polo and skorts. Grrr, so warm. Played captain's ball, only to feel like crap. Haven't felt like that in ages, the faint feeling, funny weird dizziness blerrrgh. The last time I had it so bad was training. And so I ended up with this pounding annoying headache which drove me to sleep during Chemistry after going through electrochemistry. But that was a rather good sleep, away from troubles and all. Well, I managed to rid the headache which was a good thing.

Was planning to do somemore Chemistry during the Physics prep period, instead of going to Ben&Jerry's for a free cone (free cone day! ahh), but I ended up going to Swensens with Nes and Renee. Swensen's like the get-rid-of-emo-ness-place.

Thought of this song on my way back, it's a song from this compilation by this group of ny girls, I think Ethel's friends or something. I think they took down the website though, cos I got this last year. Long long long time ago eh?

Just Smile- Zhi Yang

It's time to wake up
Go greet the new day
But I just want to lie in
Must I care about today?

I want to sleep, to dream
Drift into a new world and
There in spin my fairytale
Shake off all my burdens
For what I truly yearn

It's all familiar
These slow lonely nights
But who's to say a fairytale
Can never take flight

'Cos the faith alone
the faith so deep in our hearts
Could just paint me
All I need
Freed from my inner jail
Blessed with my fairytale.

No one said life's a bed of roses
You have to make tough choices
You won't know
What's beyond here.

No one said life's a bed of roses
But it's full of surprises
This life is yours
A fairytale of your own.

I told my mom about what I was feeling sad about. She probably did sense the disappointment, though it has been a long long time since she saw that broken side of me. (The many times I got really emo about Math this year happened when I was staying in hostel, so I didn't really express any sadness or disappointment when talking to her over the phone) Well, she said I probably just didn't have affinity, highly likely, it's the third time. Blearggh. You probably won't know what I'm talking about, unless maybe you're Renee or Nes or John or my mum. Shan't dwell on it anymore, I gave myself yesterday night plus today, time to stop and move on. No one said life's a bed of roses.

SRP seems alright now. It has been lingering on my mind for a while now. Anyway, in our emails with Dr Yong, we had this P.S thing that went like this:

Us- P.S. Do you like (this particular food item)?
Her- P.S. Yes how did you know?
Us- P.S. We're psychics, that's how we know.

We have more to ask her, yes, we are psychics. (:

Ohho. Now now, Mr Murali hopes that there could be 3 in our group, which means we either find a new member OR we attempt to speak to him. *melon ice cream?* Okay back to point, who is interested in doing a project that tentatively goes like this:

Synthesis of novel proline diamine salt catalysts for the asymmetric aldol addition reaction

There's a potential applications part to it, but it's not confirmed. Plus be willing to get through approximately 100 paged research paper (plus more 50 plus pages ones). Heh.

xD

2008-04-28T05:01:00.000-07:00

So since I already had my fair share of good perfect days, I am almost pretty sure today's one of the worst days.

~~Mental battle to decide whether or not to elaborate here.~~
I give up, I need to pour something out and there's hardly anyone online whom I can do so at. (Grrr Bihyee get online) And when those people who usually make me feel less emo about things aren't online, my blogspot here I come. (Nah, I won't go into details, I think everything's going to be really vague).

I used to think I was here to learn how to cope with disappointments, failures and all. No doubt, I think I've grown more accustomed to those, but time and time again when I'm faced with them, am I really numb to it? Evidently not. And when I try to tell myself that I haven't lost anything and that I merely didn't gain something, it's hard to be looking on the positive side. Trying doesn't at all mean being able to. It doesn't seem anything like a blessing in disguise, so it's hard to think of it as one, especially when I ain't anywhere close to being a creative person.

Maybe I should be glad that at least I had a shot at it, no regrets. But at times, it's just annoying, or rather it's just disappointing. And at this point in time, I really have no idea how to go on. Everything's just built up within. Argh, he really didn't have to ask, he didn't.

This blogpost sucks, it really does and you probably wouldn't want to read it. It should be at my Xanga, but I got here before I thought of doing so at my Xanga and I'm lazy to move, so just don't read on unless you really want to do so.

I thought I've tasted bitterness many times in my life, the many times I cried over Math, the many times I messed up, the time when everything seemed to go the wrong way, Year 3 and how I screwed up my own life. It's different this time. I'm far, very very far from the finishing line, getting pulled further and further away from it. So everything was just an illusion, the feeling of being slightly nearer, that good feeling isn't long lasting. I hate the bitterness.

Right, I'm feeling really bad to those people I ranted at, Nes, John, Mikel. Good thing the list stopped there, and I've stopped talking to them, they just aren't meant to listen to me rant.

And no Renee, you didn't spoil the day, for it was already crap since it began, everything just didn't feel right, perhaps this time it's just the most shitty ending I can ever ask not to happen to me, but well, it just did. (Pardon the word)

You know what, I give up blogging here as well. This blogpost sucks. Maybe I'd just get down to doing something like Chem. Numb the feeling, numb the bitterness and attempt to be fine. I will be, sometime later, just not now.

With that, ):

2008-04-28T00:56:00.000-07:00

So I was almost going to get my fingers here to rant, but alright, I'd just not do so here.

Angsty-ish, I just don't like what happened just now or rather, something that has been happening ever since I moved back home. Ah wells, breathe in, breathe out and not get pissed cos I can't exactly do anything about it if someone's just too senstive, actually I can, just shut up? Shall stop blogging about it, the most I'd do will be just to chat with someone, but no, control control and I will not rant.

So Calculus II CA grades are up on espace. Doesn't really make much sense, I got a higher grade for CP for Calculus III. ): Both Renee and I found that trend in our grades. Weirdness, in a bad way. Rawr.

Grrr, I hate this going-to-fall-sick feeling, it's making my brain cells work like crap. 2^4=64??!! Or differentiate x^3=2x^2. -____- It's amusingly dumb.

Actually there's this thing that I wanted to talk about here, something that I thought about on the way back home, but now I don't exactly have the mood, dumbness, I don't blog well when I'm angsty, neither can I study. Shall go shower and attempt not to get so fed up. POOOF.

2008-04-27T01:39:00.000-07:00

I am that loser, I know, I'm back here again.
5/5/08. That's 2 days BEFORE Calculus AP, how nice that's when Rhythm of Life starts. Damn I badly want to watch that show cos there's taekwondo. Haha (: Maybe I'd, shall see. I am tempted.

Okay, off I go.

2008-04-27T00:56:00.000-07:00

Sleeping later and later each night, which isn't at all a good thing cos pimples start popping out and your immune system weakens. I should sleep earlier. =/

Got a little irritated on several occasions and as a result got kind of moody, shan't dwell about it, neither will I blog about it here, publically. Actually, not my xanga either, even though my xanga has a friends lock. (Hardly anyone reads it cos I don't exactly add friends, unless you request and I'm perhaps happy to accept). xD I'd just refrain from blogging about unhappy stuff cos I think those are rather inevitable, who says life is a bed of roses eh?

I pretty much like my new phone, it's quite cool, though I'd very much prefer an S.E. But heck, this Samsung L170 totally beats that lousy Nokia. AT LEAST I CAN SMS. Hahah. Random stuff here cos I don't have much to talk about? No perfect days or exciting funny stuff or crazy thinking about my life stuff.

Shall not torture your eyes then, shoo and stop reading. (: Hahah.

2008-04-25T19:33:00.000-07:00

I needed to do this, for fun. x)

Inequalities:
Cheryl has shown good progress. Continue to work hard to achieve even better results.

Matrices I:
Cheryl is a conscientious student and shows keen interest in her work. Has done well, keep it up.

Functions:
Cheryl has done extremely well in this module. Keep up the good work.

Trigonometry:
Cheryl is a diligent student and has been consistent in her work. Keep it the good work.

Exponential and Logarithmic functions:
Cheryl is a conscientious student who pays attention in class and is well-prepared for classes. She demonstrates a high level of proficiency for this module and has an aptitude in mathematics.

Statistics II:
Cheryl displays a good learning attitude in Math, and her work is consistently well done. Keep up the good work!

Vectors:
Cheryl has shown excellent progress in the semester. Continue to work hard to maintain the 'A+' grade.

Sequences, Series and Mathematical Induction:
Cheryl has been consistent in her work. A very good performance, keep it up.

Calculus I:
Cheryl is a highly motivated student who has maintained a high standard of performance in Mathematics. Keep up the excellent work!

Well well, ain't his comments consistent as well? x) But it's cool that the comments aren't all the same words, though they mostly mean the same. Blah, consistency, progress, motivated (??since when), and the "keep it up". Wonder what he'd write this time, poof.

But it's funny to read teachers' comments that date back to year 3, semester 1, all the way to year 4, semester 2. I have seen really funny ones, impossible ones like "aptitude in Biology" or "natural flair for Biology" or "good memory for names of artworks and artists" etc. There were some unrelated to the module ones, like Jang's, but they were quite encouraging. (: Now, now, I can't help but wonder what kind of comments I'd get this sem. Yikkes.

And crap, looking at those CA grades made me realise how much lousier my grades are this sem, for math. Poof. I used to dropped A+s at things like JOURNAL and not things like quizzes and tests, with exceptions from functions (quizzes dropped), inequalities (tests dropped). That was year 3 sem 1. 3 semesters have passed and now I'm back to getting that, except now it's both quizzes and tests dropped, for Calculus III. I think he moderated, I think he did, which makes me feel crap, I probably got my grades because he moderated up, in other words, I probably don't deserve that grade of mine. ): Nevermind, I'd just work harder next time.

2008-04-25T19:21:00.000-07:00

I have screwed up phone, how nice. I can't do anything with it, unless I reformat my whole phone, which is annoying and I don't even have the cd with me right now because I smartly dumped it in the hostel and didn't bring it back home. Poof so now I'm stuck with my bro's very very very scratched K800i, because I can't find my mum's old phone. Trust me, I'd rather use my mum's very simple old phone which has its camera taken out because my bro used it in BMT. I don't like his K800i, stupid bulky thing. I'd make sure I get a cheaper, less sophisticated phone in the near future so that I wouldn't have to suffer in the hands of technology, and get frustrated over stupid phones that go "insufficient memory to perform function" when everything's deleted already. Boohoo):

--------

My parents went to redeem that free Samsung phone so now I'm using that because my dad doesn't like it. O_o (I haven't used this in ages, I remembering spamming O______o on my old old old blog) I was just randomly surfing blogs and then I started thinking about stuff.

Everything in its time- Corrinne May

Sometimes I wonder what lies ahead
How long till my hunger is fed
They say it's hard to make it in this part of town
So many people on this merry-go-round

Some folks try astrology
Some turn to crystal balls
To find an answer,
To get through it all
I just fall on my knees and I try to pray
In the silence I can hear Him say

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign
Everything in its time

I often feel like I'm two steps behind
Somebody must have moved that finish line
There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience and watch for the sign

'Cause maybe there's another plan
One I still can't see
A little surprise, like your love in my life
Funny how time changes how we see

There are a thousand reasons
Why I should give up
But I'm stubborn in the things I believe

The river runs and the river hides
Out to the ocean and under the sky
I promise you, the answer will come
Hold on to patience, just watch for the sign
Everything in its time
Everything in its time

Often enough, we all face a situation in our lives, where we just feel as though we'd never reach the finishing line, when we keep wondering what lies ahead of us. It takes a lot of belief, not just believing in yourself, but believing that someone will be out there to support you, to hold you by your hand and guide you through tough times.

I was thinking about what motivates me to move on, to put down what disappointed me and just march on. Good results, nice vouchers, topping the level, praises? I really don't know right now. I used to think that being the best among everyone else will give satisfaction, but I have come to a realisation that there will eventually still be people better than you.

I used to think that I'd be the happiest person on Earth to ever top my level in something, but no, I ain't. Sometimes, once you've tasted something you have always longed to achieve, you'd realise that it isn't anything significant, no satisfaction, at all. I don't think I have ever gotten a great sense of satisfaction from doing well in school and getting good grades, the sense of satisfaction you get, helping friends with their work and watching them do well is far stronger than that you can get topping your class or your level. Some people think they can only feel proud of themselves if they achieve something big. Think again. Pride and confidence doesn't come by reaching the status "top" or earning big bucks etc, it doesn't, really.

Now that certificate on my table doesn't motivate me to do any better, rather, it serves as a reminder that the journey I have taken to get this wasn't an easy one. I have failed a couple of times, gotten off form many times, tasted disappointment time and time again and made friends around me worry. It serves as a reminder that I wasn't alone when I started this journey, I had the support of many many friends, so many I don't know who to start thanking from. The certificate on my table, isn't just for me to be happy about, it is for all those people out there who have helped.

There are a thousand reasons why I should give up, but I'm stubborn in the things I believe.
& I am stubborn in believing in the nonexistence of impossibilities. (:

2008-04-25T04:48:00.000-07:00

Perfect day #2, ain't I lucky. (:

So the night before today, I was still going "tomorrow = madness" and I was, inevitably, worried. I wouldn't say I'd thought I wasn't going to survive today, because I knew, no matter how tough things were going to get, I'd somehow survive and things will somehow work out. But I was a little scared, a little dreading today etc. Both Vanessa and I were kind of worried for the meeting the the prof today. Why wouldn't we? He did seem kind of scary, a little reluctant here and there. Plus it didn't help that I slept at 2 when I wanted to sleep at 12. Hoho, and I had my second bout of calves cramps while sleeping. Weird.

And I had trouble waking up today, tired, dead tired. Got to school still feeling tired, bad idea, luckily I didn't have bloodshot eyes and I chose not to wear contacts today. Cabbed down to NUS because *ahem* Dr Yong was explaining things to Mitchell Keh, which kind of dragged on and stuff. Well, had an interesting "chat" with the prof, he's cool. (: So we're ditching proline catalysts. Poof, poor Dr Yong, she came up with our proposal. (Heh she rocks eh?). But the project does seem promising and that was yet another beginning of my miraculously great day number 2.

Well, I came back feeling happy because of SRP but that Renee Lim had to tell me that Calculus III CA grades were up and on espace. That scared the shit out of me, because when I asked Mr Tan how much we needed to get an A+, he had said: "Very high." Poof. So I found time to go check my grades. (: Hopefully my exam's worth something nice as well so that it won't pull anything down.

Went for Math AP prep feeling TIRED still and was almost dozing off when Mr Tan was going through the AP formats and stuff with us. (=/) Standard, did an FRQ set, checked answers and went off, rushing to Mr Chai's side to sign my exam grade, then rushing to loan out blazers before rushing to concourse where my very very nice mum was waiting to fetch me down to A-Star for the interview. (I know, my mum is cool)

Popped down at Shop and Save because my mum decided it was too early for me to go down to A-Star, she bought some stuff and I got IMPACT Lime Mints. It's good. (: Sorry that was a little random. Got down to A-Star thereafter, was rather calm and not very disturbed by the fact that there was going to be an interview soon. The interview got delayed but I guess I was fine with it. Dr Seah called before the interview. Nice.

China Aeronautics and Space Development Study Mission. (: The only problem is, my flight back is on the 26th June, probably touch down on 27th night/28th morning, this trip is from 27th June to 7th July. Hope the flights will work out though it seems hard. (this sucks a little)

Had the interview shortly after, was quite a fast one, but quite a nice one. The interviewer told me loads about the A-Star Medicine Scholarship, hmm what was it called again. Oh MBBS-PHD. Super duper cool. It was a nice interview. (:

Rushed back to school for script checking. Econs was really encouraging. (: English was a little disappointing, but heck, it didn't managed to spoil my mood. Bio wasn't too bad considering that I wasn't that zai neither did I have that much time to study. Overall, I'm pleased. (:

Perfect day number 2. I love that and I think I'm really lucky. Hope everyone else out there gets to experience a perfect day too. (: Whee I feel positive today.

2008-04-23T23:35:00.000-07:00

I forgot to mention, today's script checking day, i.e. the day I'd realise how badly I screwed everything up. Hurray.

[Edit]
Editing this because I find it so stupid to be post three times in a day. Haha. I can't believe I'm turning blur, I didn't realise that we were only getting back Chem today, until chem script checking started. Blurness damn. ):

& I can't believe I drank two cans of winter melon tea consecutively. Yikkes. =/

Woah, and I'm tired even though slept at 11.30 PM. I think (finally) the eye bags are appearing. Yuck. Shall attempt to sleep by 12 today. Haha.

2008-04-23T17:10:00.000-07:00

Losing drive, yikkes.

It's natural, I presume, I mean, no one can feel motivated all the time eh? Some days, people who are usually motivating get quite unmotivated as well? I don't like the feeling of losing drive, needed to get this out first.

Speech day yesterday was perhaps good, no actually it was a great event, another one our school managed to pull off well. Impressive is the word I'd use. Or at least it did look good, the guard of honour, the red carpet, the orchestra, the spectrum launch, the impressive school report, the performances. Yet, thinking deeper (yet again, I did that last speech day), I started to slip into that mood. Emo phase of my life eh?

Well, I guess I am happy to receive that award, who wouldn't? A 50 bucks voucher, well it's quite a big drop from last year, but all that efforts recognised, it's rather encouraging. Yet, I can hardly find any reasons to why I deserve that award. "Students must attain an A- and above grade for all core modules to qualify for this award". There probably is many in the level who scored an A+ for all their core math modules last year. Why not them? Perhaps they are more deserving?

Well, I'm far from being an ideal student in the first place. Showing lack to enthusiasm at times, AP-ing teachers, once in a while procrastinating and not doing my work and all, I ain't anywhere near a good student. As I walked up yesterday, I questioned why I was there, why I was walking up onto that stage. Mr Suresh said to look confident, it wasn't easy, besides, I probably didn't find much confidence. No doubt, all the efforts paid off eventually and I was glad they did, yet putting in effort doesn't mean you're the best, and no, I think I'm far from being the best.

"Best in subject" forget that, forget it. I'm just lucky, really lucky.

Chem-o, Phy-o, Bio-o, how in the world did I get chosen for those trainings? Phew, I dropped Phy-o. Chem-o when my chem's in a mess? Or Bio-o when my bio's so crappy and screwy? Why in the world am I taking those two? Chem honours, Bio honours, Math honours, why in the world am I taking those?

All I need is a good disguise
One where nobody can recognise
That I'm feeling so small.

And after all that ranting, I shall attempt to find that drive back. Plus attempt not to fall sick, shucks. Shall drink more winter melon tea. =/

2008-04-23T04:23:00.000-07:00

Dead tired.

Well, speech day 08 was quite good I guess. Minus the fact that I decided to be dumb and get 3 hours plus worth of sleep before heading off to school early in the morning. Call me crazy. (: Ushering was kind of hectic, messy for moment? Not sure, all I know is that I was boiling up, blazer, long sleeve, tie. Oh, the night before speech day, i.e. yesterday night (perhaps it was already midnight), I realised that I still hadn't found my tie that has somewhat ~~miraculously~~ disappeared sometime ago Smart eh? Managed to get one from Nat though (thanks!). Yeah yeah, guys and their collection of extra ties. xD

The hall and its aircon is probably HEAVEN if you have tasted the boiled up feeling from blazer and all out in the burning hot school. For once the hall didn't feel freezingly cold. (: Well, everything was quite alright, minus the hecticness of it? Stupidly tired, and I'm so full from the buffet even though I didn't pile my plate up the way many others did. Guess I'd end up getting hungry later into the night, arghh.

Very lousy blogpost here. =

2008-04-22T10:44:00.000-07:00

So we're meeting the Prof this Friday and the very very calm me knows hardly anything about chalcones and aldol reactions.

Attempting to read up, because the reaction looks really interesting, but aldol condensation seems a little crazy, so I guess I'd start by reading up on chalcones itself, the cool thing that we'd be attempting to synthesize.

Chalcones are quite well-studied already. Well, of course, otherwise how in the world is two innocent NUS High School students going to attempt to complex research on something's that not very studied. Well, we were hoping to work around with spirocyclic oxindoles at first, but Dr Yong said it needed really dry conditions, which you can't find in Singapore (surprise, surprise).

So a chalcone is an aromatic ketone, i.e. a ketone with a benzene ring attached, apparently they already showed many "anti" properties (anti-bacterial, anti-fungal, anti-tumour, anti-inflammatory).

And how are chalcones synthesized? An aldol condensation reaction! (Eh, and how does aldol condensation work?). Well the reagents are ~~merely~~ a benzaldehyde and an acetophenone (the thing with a benzene bonded to a carbon with a methyl group and an oxygen). And somehow in the presence of a catalyst, we get a chalcone!

So what do we need to do? Find that catalyst. (Yeah not so simply) Find a green catalyst somemore.

Side track, wikipedia says the reaction can occur as a solid state reaction! No solvent. Imagine solids in a beaker or test tube and poof you get a nice new solid. Magical. Sheesh.

Back to track. Green catalysis, wonder how is that going to work. It has to be a catalyst for steroselective aldol reaction, because you want only a specific isomer which will counter chemoresistance in some cells.

Sounds interesting eh? We were supposed to find one more member that we can work with, but it's quite hard because people will probably not be interested. Ah wells. I love this project. (: Whee.

2008-04-22T07:47:00.000-07:00

Well, well, I killed my own confidence for organic chemistry by messing up a quiz (I did freaking badly, no joke). I guess it's pretty much my fault, for not studying and not bothering. Ah wells, I just won't get it counted in my grades then (phew, it was a re-quiz).

Got back math, it wasn't well done, but I guess I couldn't have expected anything more, since I screwed up, I really did and I emo-ed about it. Perhaps I'm relieved? I don't know.

I kind of realised that often, we take things for granted, even if we do not want to. I think I have been taking my life for granted, all the good things that happen, everything. I wondered just now, what if, on the way to fetch me, something happened and my mum never came to pick me up and I'd be just clueless as to what has happened, or what if my mum lost her car keys and we couldn't get out a place, what if. Life has many what ifs, but how many of these what ifs actually happen? I think life is splendid because we get a lot of non-what-ifs and very often, things work out the way you want them to. Oh and there's miracles in life. (:

Tomorrow will be yet another time of luck for me. I was lucky, i really was, not trying, not caring, not bothering, I don't think I actually am deserving. =

2008-04-21T04:00:00.000-07:00

Today's such a wonderful day (and I do not mean it in a sarcastic way). It's just so perfect, minus the morning when Vanessa and I were a little worried, until Vanessa went back to check her email (good thing she did that). We didn't get to meet Dr Yong at first because she was out for lunch by the time we called her, but we managed to meet her after her lunch, which was the start of a gooood day. (:

So we met Dr Yong, talked about the project and things certainly look brighter, once again. We managed to "ambush" Dr Seah (I can't believe we keep managing to do so with teachers) and she looked at our project proposal (done perfectly by Dr Yong, she rocks!) and we talked to her about it for a while and she gave the go ahead. Things certainly did work out, life's quite a miracle eh? So now, we just need to hope that things are going as planned, but at least I see light, after a moment of darkness.

Vanessa and I were REALLY really happy and relieved I guess. So I couldn't exactly stop myself from feeling happy. Then there was Chemistry AP Preparation which started with an organic re-quiz which I'm pretty sure I screwed it up (didn't study, hee). Well, but that's not the point, the point is that THEY CANCELLED THE LESSON TODAY, which meant that all the speech day people (quite many actually) didn't have to miss an important AP lesson on transition metals! So once again, Vanessa and I were happy. (: Hahah.

Well, I'm rather glad now as well, because Dr Wong did the smartest thing ever, to not put any photos in the slideshow for the prize giving. (Phew, phew, PHEW). And another wonderful thing that happened was that, after deciding to bus home myself since I ended earlier than expected, 151 came the moment I reached the bus stop! One of the rare times that has happened. (:

Today's a really wonderful day, really amazing.

2008-04-19T23:11:00.001-07:00

So I grew bored and I decided to go edit my links, based on memory. I relinked those I remember, deleted those unused ones and now my links section is short. (:

Stupid brother, made me waste my time by asking my dad to help do the setup for some weird thing he has to print, and my very clueless dad decided to think that I'm a really free kid and decided that I was to help him. And in the end, my brother decided to go edit the file! Tsk.

Shall get down to doing work again.

And NYWS, I'm just so proud of them and their four year journey which will not end just yet. The juniors who came in weren't exactly that perfect, they showed that attitude at times, bitched about us at times, and about the coaches, they complained about how routines were hard to remember, how ji ben gong was tiring, how training should just end quickly. But they grew out of that, and now, they have become seniors themselves, teaching the juniors, setting examples and being role models. It has been 2.5 years since I last trained with them, they were merely Sec ones back then. Time just flew by, they're Sec fours now, facing the stress from school work, facing the stress from coaches to excel, facing the stress to lead by example. I'm glad they did well, and beyond that, I'm glad that they are showing that passion, that love for the sport and the team. It's heartening so see how they have grown, from little juniors to mature seniors, now guiding their juniors along. One thing's for sure, they have brought NYWS to greater heights and future juniors will continue to do so. (:

2008-04-18T21:05:00.000-07:00

The network in NUS is perfect to surf Espace. (:
I am so hungry, but so unbelievably broke. Zero dollar, zero cents, gosh.
Ultimate boredom:

Did this on Thursday night while chatting with Renee.

It says Faraday, but it looks weird.

Heh?

Okay, quite retarded, was playing with the green marker. I know, I can't spell greeeen. (:

VANESSA. Doesn't look good lah, another of the playing with a marker one.

Random drawings when I am boreddd.

My dad's really nice, he waited for me till 8 plus to fetch me, so I didn't have to stay in hostel (Phew). Plus he's willing to fetch me on Monday and Tuesday when the rehearsal ends around 6 plus, since my mum will naturally be unwilling to drive up to school during the "cooking dinner" time. Ah nevermind, let's just say, my dad's the coolest dad I'd ever want to have. I miss sitting in his car so much. Hahah.

Speaking of my mum, she gladly decided to cook po piah for dinner today, which was a good thing because I was famished by the time I got home from NUS and both she and my dad had already eaten their lunch and that turned into my lunch, although I'd have to eat it for dinner again. Ah nevermind, at least I feel full. (:

My mum says that my dad would have been happy if he could go for speech day next week, but he can't because he has some really important meeting. I wanted my mum to go, because I think it's going to be the last time she'd ever see me get anything. I know, I'm being pessimistic here, but I think it's just a reality and an ability to admit that I ain't good enough anymore? Besides, no matter how good you may be, there will always be someone else who's better. I'm happy with my life, so who cares. (:

And, I don't feel that achy today, well, my muscles do ache but they are super duper bearable. Feels a bit like the full body ache I used to get from training, but very much more mild. To think that I felt like crap at PT yesterday. Gone were the days where I could survive with all the aches and go for training with them, feeling good because aches = more muscles. (Dumb analogy, I know). Gone were the days when muscle growth >> fat growth. Yes, I neeeed to train. ):

I am so tempted to grab that half read book and read. I stopped reading Where Rainbows End after March Holidays because I, uhh, couldn't find time. Okay more like, I kept forgetting to bring it to hostel. But no, I can't start reading now, unless I choose to flunk my APs which I gladly wouldn't want to. Grrr. ):

And something's wrong with blogger again, I can't post this post, which is why I keep editing and re-editing it and adding more to it. By the time you see it, it's probably edited many many times (: I'm a blogger addict.

& Every hurdle we jump strengthens and prepares us for the next one. (:

2008-04-18T06:02:00.001-07:00

I hope, hope, hope, badly hope that things will just work out eventually.

Speech day rehearsal on Monday ends at 6 pm while that on Tuesday ends at 6.30 pm. Late, I mean not exactly late, but it's not a very early and good time for my mum to come. Maybe I'd just bus home, either that or I can wait for my dad to knock off from work. Eeekish. I should bus home (and get suaned by those people who go: first time public transporting home eh? By the way, it wouldn't be the first time, I ain't so lousy).

I am dead tired, or am I not? Have been so drained for the past few days, argh. PT was quite good, minus the fact that I realised that my fitness is crap. x( Helped out a bit for DSA talk, didn't need to talk in the end since there were the pros (:

I should get down to emailing Sry. I hope things will just miraculously work out, please.

2008-04-17T03:32:00.000-07:00

Finally home (: I realised my mom drives really slowly, fine, I knew that ever since I knew what it felt like to be sitting in a car, but she took almost half an hour! My dad usually takes fifteen minutes!

I missed home during hostel stay, but someone really retarded like me had decided to just stay on at hostel because, 1: I was LAZY to pack to go home for the reading days and exams, 2: I believed that hostel, it's uncomfortably small bed, will force me to wake up early, which it did anyway, 3: I decided that it was wise to subject myself to some "torture" so that I'd appreciate all the stuff I have been having, 4: I just wanted a taste of not having the best environment to study, we all have to get used to that one day. And now, I am finally back home to rot in my lovely room.

Biggest reason why I think the hostel room is unstudyable: the table's too SMALL, dump my laptop, add a printer and there goes, no more space to work. I love this part about my room, my table stretches from one end to the other though it got cut off in the picture. And yes, I have one corner of the old sofa that I used to have at my old house (hee I requested for it when my parents changed the sofa to a white leather one, which my mom thinks is too precious for our "dirty" butts to be on, grrr!). That part of the sofa was supposed to be there in that "cosy corner" but it has become a dumping ground for my jacket and the sleeping bag that I use as a blanket because my perfect air-con blows directly at me. =)

My nice green wall and my nice old television and my over-cluttered shelf that seems to be dying. My mom says she'd get someone to construct a nicer, better, stronger shelf for me, but I haven't got down to thinking (and a bit of drawing which she'd usually end up redoing for me because I just ain't interior designer material) about how I want it to look like. And my second dumping ground, my main one. This also explains why I tend to injure myself at home in the morning, half awake while walking to the mirror, bang and I whack myself either against the shelf, or the mess I dump there (usually from hostel by the way). Oh and my TV's in the wrong position, it's usually closer to my table, slanted and in a perfect spot for me to watch. Heeheh.

My room for me to enjoy till the end of June holidays, perfect. (:

Also, I got back and decided to just switch on my laptop again and check my school email. Pleasant surprise to be seeing Jang's forwarded email from Mrs Loh-Lam. Never really expected teachers to remember us, let alone write to us (year 5s). Shall not post the email here because I think it just isn't nice to post something that people write somewhat personally to you. Well, there wasn't exactly any special, but I guess it was just the concern she had that pretty much touched me. She went on talking about how we should prepare for APs, things like getting enough rest, putting in some exercise, eating well, etc. She's really nice, and she was really a great teacher, who doesn't just care for you only when teaching you, but rather care for you as a student, her student for life. It's really encouraging when teachers do all these, the care, the concern, even simple things like writing to us even after leaving, I think it's heartwarming. I feel thankful, to have had such great teachers, together with the great friendship I have forged in this school. I think NUS High school life has been great for me. Chatted with Conrad yesterday, I'm glad he thinks the same way too. One and a half more years to go! Treasuring my life here, with all the friends I have made, and all the teachers who have been putting in so much effort into teaching us, into turning our mere interest into a rather burning passion.

And I must say, I am really thankful for my parents as well, for all the chauffeuring, good food, nice house, great living, everything. I think they have splurged a lot on my brother and I, I think I was really bad when I was young, bugging for all the things in the world, yearning for things that my friends had. I should have been more understanding, that money doesn't come by easy, I should have been more matured, to know that saving is a virtue, that sometimes there are many things in life that we yearn for, yet eventually, we don't even need them. I think they have, not just worked hard to provide for us, but have also educated us in a rather right way. Yes, we all dislike the naggings, scoldings and lecturing. I don't like them either, I still don't. But I think I'm pretty glad that my mum forced me to learn the multiplication table, mental arithmetic, abacus and all way before I entered primary shcool (because my smart brother refused to go for the classes which my mum already paid for). I'm pretty glad that my parents had made sure we studied in primary school. They caned, like every other parent, but they never ever used presents to make us study hard, they never gave us any big ticket item when we scored full marks, nor did they promise to buy us things when we did well. They never did, or at least, they never did so explicitly. I'm glad my parents did that, though once in a while, I did question why my friends could get whatever they wanted so long as they did well in school, while I couldn't even though I did well too. But ultimately, I think my parents taught us that we are not studying for them, neither are we studying for presents, instead, we are studying for ourselves. Likewise, everything we do in life is ultimately for ourselves. They cannot provide for us forever, and hardwork is crucial, in whatever you do in life.

No doubt, I used to feel as though my mum was expecting a lot, the no-praising-your-child concept that she applied, that sometimes made me feel as though I was never good enough for her. But eventually, I realised that no matter what I did, so long as I put in the hardwork, she was always proud of me, likewise for my brother. It didn't matter to her whether we were top or not, because we were champions in our own rights. She pushed us hard, and I'm sure any parent will be happy if their child does well, topping, scoring full marks and all. But yet all these have soon become part of our lives, we set our own goals, our own expectations, that sometimes even our parents get a shock at them. My mum told me to lower my expectations, to be happier and not to stress myself up. I really appreciated that she cared and understood that academic results aren't everything, that she merely wanted us to lead a happy life. But I told her that it has grown to be difficult to lower my own expectations, that what I expect of myself will be what carves me. I told her that I have my goals, seemingly unattainable goals, that I'd make sure I work hard for, and that even if I do not reach them, at least I'd be glad that I tried. I told her today that even though I wasn't exactly all that happy with my calculus results, I wasn't sad because I knew I did all that I could in that 3.5 hours, no regrets, at all. No doubt, I made mistakes that totally put me off, but I think overall, I'm still quite glad that at least I tried hard. I told my mum that I'd aim, but I will not expect to always reach it, instead, I'd focus on doing my best and making sure that I do not regret my actions.

At the end of the day, we work hard for ourselves, to chase our own dreams and meet our own expectations. Parents will not hold our hands forever, for they can't even if they wish to. Yet parents, knowing that they can't provide everything for us, have all been slogging their guts out, to provide as much as they can for us. Appreciate your parents, they really do quite a lot for you.